Links

I have been doing some pretty thorough research for my plans on trying different diets starting Monday. I have also discovered some interesting fitness routines. And enduring the confused looks and questions when I explained to my husband what my plans are. And I got to thinking maybe I should explain further my intentions.

There are probably thousands of diets out there that have been made public in one form or another over the years. All of them promise results. All of them promise you will find the gold at the end of the rainbow. I don't want those odd fad diets where you eat nothing but hot dogs and bananas for a week because, let's face it, those diets don't work long term. They are good for a quick loss of a few pounds of water and lean muscle, but the weight always comes back and it brings friends. Trust me, I know. Been there, done that. More times than I care to admit.

Not only do they not work, but they are TOUGH to stick to. By day three of eating nothing but cabbage soup, my family has submitted my exhaust fumes to be formally recognized in nuclear warfare and all I want is a large steak, rare, with a loaded baked potato piled extra high with bacon. A mere hint of sugar in the air sends me into an epileptic type seizure and, upon recovery, I turn into the Tasmanian Devil, devouring any and every thing that resembles food (and a few things that don't) in my path. It's just a fail/fail situation.

And, since I didn't stick to that "guaranteed" diet plan for the specific number of days, I start to harp on myself. "If only I was stronger" "If I only had an ounce of will power" "If I was a better person, I would be thin". It's this type of emotional war that led me to where I am now. 200 pounds overweight, miserable, unhappy, and I have one, yes one, pair of jeans that fit. And let's not talk about the emotional baggage THAT brings.

I want to stop that cycle. I have enough emotional baggage to deal with, I don't need some stupid fad diet that isn't going to melt 200 pounds away over night bringing me more. So I am looking for actual eating plans with real, satisfying food combined to make at least three meals a day. Because, in the end, that's what my life will be about. Eating healthy food at the right times. Not tofu (gag) on half a cracker with a grass extract shake (barf).

Interestingly, there are LOADS of diet plans out there in the great big land of Interwebz. Many seem legit. Some may even produce results. At this point, I am pretty sure giving up my coca cola addiction and getting off the couch is going to produce a little bit of something, and I would like to help it along by developing a good food eating and exercise habit. And, while I am doing that, I want to try out these different eating plans, just to see if there is something that works for me.

Let's face it, I am lazy. I would not be 200 pounds overweight if I wasn't. I don't want something complex and intricate. I want simple. Fast. Easy. I want ingredients I can find at Wal Mart and Sam's Club. I don't want to have to hunt down specific foods in exotic grocery stores in ghetto neighborhoods just to lose weight. I don't want to have to count points or calories. I am dedicated, but not THAT dedicated. At least, not right now.

I want everything spelled out for me. Pre-measured, pre-figured, listed for me in a basic way that anyone can follow. "You will eat so many ounces of this food, which is made with this recipe". That's what I want. That's what the diets I will follow will be all about. Because, obviously, what I have tried so far hasn't worked.

And I know lots of other people are like me. And some day, when I have lost all 200 of these extra pounds, maybe there might be someone else who is like me, looking to get the weight off, but doesn't have the money for special trainers and dietitians, and has a schedule that involves kids and a husband and dogs and a house to run. Someone who doesn't have the time or inclination to search the world over for that rare ingredient that makes or breaks the recipe that the entire eating plan is based on.

So, that's what I am looking for. Easy, not crazy involved, no exotic ingredients. Something maybe my kids and husband would eat with me (but that's not an absolute criteria). And I have found so many!

Here are a few, in case I end up losing the links I have saved, at least I know I have a back up. Because I want to try each of these at least for a week.

1500 calories per day menu: http://www.freedieting.com/1500_calorie_diet.htm

And then I found this site that has SO MANY diet menus that I want to try, instead of posting each separately, I will just post the link that lists them all: http://www.thinthin.com/Site-Map/1-free-diet-menus.html

Here is a ten day diet menu: http://www.dietbites.com/Easy-Free-Diet-Plan/free-10-day-diet-plan-meal-plan.html

There are more, of course. But, for now, I will start with these.

Oh! And while I was going to keep my fitness at walking and a few sit ups, I found this awesome site and am kind of tempted to try it. http://www.bodyrock.tv/2011/11/25/bodyrocker-alexis-and-her-progress/ I'll let you know what I decide.

My scale can't read

I am extremely sick (again). Sick enough to go to the doctor. Which means actually stepping on a scale.

It was brutal.

It was depressing.

It woke my ass right up.

You know that high number your scale has, the one listed on the box that it only goes up to? I passed that level eleven pounds ago. Which means that what I have thought I weighed wasn't exactly right, because my scale was off, because it wasn't meant to weigh things as heavy as I am.

After I crawled on my knees through that emotional landmine and then curled into a ball and cried myself to sleep, I woke up and realized that all the blogging, all the shit I have been spouting about "I can do this, I will do this" blah blah blah means is crap if I don't actually DO something about it. I can talk all I want, but flapping my jaw doesn't burn many calories and, in my case, usually adds them.

I read an article that said diet is only 30% of weight loss, the other 70% is exercise. Now, since I read this in a fitness magazine, the data may be skewed in the exercise's favor. Or it might not. It makes sense, to work off more than you take in and you can monitor what you take in, but it's actually burning it and more that makes you lose the weight. Who knows?

Well, we will. Because the Monday after Thanksgiving, I am starting an experiment. I am going to find a diet, any diet that seems doable, that has a menu posted online, with a link that readers can access, and I am going to follow that diet to a T. In addition, I will be going to the gym. My goal is 4 miles on the treadmill a day and a minimum of 50 sit ups. Exercise will be the same, but the diets will change monthly or weekly (depending on how long the diets are supposed to last. I am going to try this for six months. And then I am going to amp up the exercise and follow one diet for another six months. It's not exact, but it will give me an idea of which idea is right, better food vs better exercise.

It's a win/win situation for me. At least I hope it will be in that I will be eating healthier and getting exercise and losing weight. And I hope to lose enough that my scale recognizes me again and gives me some true numbers. Because I can't take the depression and fear and ohmygodIamgoingtopukerightnow feeling in the middle of the doctor's office again.

Oh, and if you are wondering, I will be fine. I have a bit of bronchitis and laryngitis. A Z-pack and some cough syrup and orders to sleep and I should be good as new in a few days.

Not a loser

So, it's been two months since my last update. I bet you are expecting a great post gushing about all of the weight I have lost and how healthy I eat and blah, blah, blah. You're in for a great disappointment.

While I haven't actually weighed myself recently, I am pretty sure I succeeded in gaining weight.

Again.

And I haven't been to the gym in so long, I am pretty sure their will be dust on my gym shoes. But, a shopping trip this weekend was just what I needed to give me the kick in the ass I needed to get back into gear. Looking at yourself in a three way mirror as you try on jeans because you have one, yes one, pair left in your closet that still fits, is a nightmare that almost required a trip to a psychiatrist for an anti-depressant prescription and maybe an anti-anxiety pill or two. While that scenario didn't actually happen, I did get a couple of great tops (screw jeans, I can wear yoga pants in public if people can wear pajamas to go grocery shopping in) and then went out with my amazingly supportive husband and proceeded to get drunk. Very drunk.

And in that stage of drunkenness where you think great ideas and find yourself to be the most intelligent person on the planet, I had an epiphany. It's a great one and you will be floored when you learn the secret.

Ready?

Be sure you are ready for the most amazing bit of wisdom ever imparted before you continue reading. It is a change your life kind of knowledge. So be ready.

I am never going to lose weight. At least, as long as I keep drinking Coke by the gallons, eating chips and dipping them in delicious, fatty, cheesy, cheesy dips, and sucking sugar down like it was oxygen in the many varied desserts I create "for the kids" not one pound of fat will be removed from my body. And even if I quit all of those bad eating habits, my jiggly arms and the extra curves in my waist will not go away unless I start working out. You know, like actually go to the gym and break a sweat from more than just bending over to tie my shoes kind of sweat.

So, my drunken epiphany is:

*drum roll*

I need to stop eating shitty food and start exercising. I need to eat more fruits and vegetables (and ketchup doesn't count as a fruit. French fries are NOT vegetables. I know, I know. It was tough for me to hear about, too.) I need to get off my ass and go to the gym and ignore the bouncing Barbie doll and the grunting Hercules and just do my thing to break a sweat and get my heart rate up for longer than it takes to achieve an orgasm (sex is pretty much the only exercise I have been getting lately. While it's fun and so very, very rewarding, it's not really on any physician's recommended health plan for weight loss, I don't think. At least relying SOLELY on sex as exercise isn't recommended.)

I know, I know. You are amazed. Drunk, I am a freaking genius. Things like these great enlightening bits of smart just come to me after the seventh or eighth shot. It's simply amazing I remember it. Thank goodness I let the rest of the bar know what I discovered! (Ok, maybe not the entire bar, but all of our friends at our table certainly got an earful of my amazing drunken intelligence. Let's just say they are still astonished and speechless. I know I am going to hear about it again soon, though. Once they get over my impressive, awe inspiring awesomeness.)

So, yeah, two months later, I am back on the band wagon. No challenges. No threats of having to write disgustingly sweet letters to my irritating and annoying family members that I haven't spoken to in years to keep me "motivated". My motivation is this: I have one pair of jeans that fit me right now. I have TEN pairs of jeans two sizes too small for me. My cheap but oversized ass isn't buying another pair of jeans. Guess I had better work on fitting into those others.

My goal is to try and lose ten pounds by December 1. Fair enough, right? I will try and come back to log how I am doing. But, as you have seen, I am a procrastinator. I rarely stick to anything, no matter how well intentioned (yeah, it's a Kama word) I am in the beginning. But, I promise to try.

Pass or Fail?

Goodness, It's been forever since I checked in! With my illness and near death experience (ok, ok, it wasn't THAT bad, though I did feel like a train had run over me, backed up, and hit me again a couple of weeks ago) and then starting a new job, the first week of school beginning, and just general every day happenings, my life has been a circus. I wouldn't have even raised an eyebrow had a group of clowns entered my house and began a juggling routine. It was seriously THAT crazy.

But, I have persisted in my push ups challenge each day, no matter how exhausted I have been. Unfortunately, because of scheduling with my new job and the boy's school schedules, I was not able to get to the gym. That, coupled with the fact that I haven't been blogging daily on my fitness and eating, does that mean I have failed the challenge?

This is something that has been persistently bothering me. And I have been thinking about it much today. And I have finally decided that no, I have not failed the challenge. Because, despite it all, I am still pursuing some sort of fitness each and every day (even if it is only my push ups and a few sit ups) and I am no longer sitting on my butt every day, all day bemoaning my weight and doing nothing about it. I also decided I have to make allowances for myself and life. Nothing is ever going to go smoothly consistently. Life happens, things take precedence (in this case, of the past couple of weeks, my health and sleep were at the forefront) and I will have to continually make adjustments to my schedule to ensure that I do get at least some sort of physical activity every day, whether I can blog about it or not. It's not the blog that is going to make me lose weight, it's the exercise.

Agree? Tell me what you think? Have I failed this challenge?

training

I got a new job! It has completely farked up my blogging, but it IS helping me make ends meet (or it will. you know, once the pay checks start rolling in.) Once I complete the training phase that accompanies any new job, I will only be working 2 graveyard shifts a week. But, right now, I feel like I am chasing my tail in the dark living on a couple of hours a sleep a day, work, the kids, the house (that is slowly falling into pieces around my ears because I am just too damned tired to do more than pick up and vacuum). You know how it goes. If you don't, just imagine a stressed out mom with bored kids home all day while she tries to catch a few z's in between bouts of screaming arguments, listening for the back door to open indicating kids sneaking out of the house, and trying to keep the messes under control, the kids fed, the dogs pottied. . . all before her hubby comes home to "relieve" her to get some sleep while he, um, falls asleep himself on the couch. You can see where this is going, right? *sigh* I am exhausted. Bear with me, I am still working on my push ups and still trying to lose weight, even with the blasted cough that refuses to go away and my exhaustion and my messy house.

My boys started school today, so I should be able to get some more sleep this week while they are in school. And I hope and pray this damn training session doesn't last much longer. I don't think I will.

Not dead

Just wanted to check in quick. I have been super sick these past few missed posts and either resting with a vague haze of the world around me or sound asleep in bed in between bouts of hacking cough, soothing the fire in my throat, and generally feeling like complete crap.

BUT, I have kept up with my push ups challenge all but one of those days (and on that day, I could barely move or breathe, so, in a sense of self preservation, or the fact that my body just couldn't get out of bed, push ups was the last on my list of things to do that day). However, after discussing it with my fitness pal Lori, we agreed that me not dying was better than doing a few push ups for the challenge.

I am now starting to feel better, if this blasted hacking cough would just go away, I would be back in tip top shape. So, look for more posts from me form now on. In the mean time, I will keep on pushing on with my push ups!

sick

I know I haven't been here to log my progress on my challenges for a couple of days. I have been besieged with the dreaded summer head cold and feel like a slug. Add to that the incessant pounding in my brain that always accompanies a cold for me and I haven't really done much the past 2 days.

I have, however, kept up with my push up challenge everyday. I just haven't logged it or changed the settings on my app to have it log onto facebook. But, once I am feeling better, I promise to get right back on track with my updates and blogging.

Off

Today has been an off day for me. Not off in that I feel yucky, but off in that my sense of time has been.

All day, I kept thinking it was earlier that it really was. I spent the day cleaning and scrubbing the house, washing, drying, folding, and putting laundry away and before I knew it, it was after five o'clock and I still had to run to the grocery store to get a few things for dinner. So, off the boys and I went to the store, only to spend far too much time there and getting home so much later than I wanted to. And then, when I did get home, I realized that I didn't have enough chicken for the fajitas I wanted to make. So, I improvised and we had beef soft shell tacos. Of course, we didn't eat until 7, and then clean up and, before I knew it, it was time for my kids to get into the shower and go to bed.

And then I had to write a resume and cover letter tonight. I am going to attempt to go back to work, part time, now that both of my boys will be in school. Talking about yourself to make yourself seem appealing and wonderful is hard. And it took me four hours to get it all done. But, it's done now, has been emailed off and I hope to hear back soon from the job I applied for.

It's now midnight. I am exhausted. But, I will complete the challenge before i head to bed, though I am forgoing the gym tonight. Since that wasn't one of my challenges, I am not feeling too guilty about skipping out tonight.

I will let you know tomorrow how I did with the push ups tonight. My arms are still killing me from last night's challenge. I did take my phen today, as well, so both of those challenges have been completed for today. Yay for me sticking with it for two days so far!

Weakling

Day one of my challenge has been completed. I weighed myself this morning, took my Phen, did day one of the push up program, and went to the gym for an hour. All in all, I am actually quite impressed with myself.

Now, for my thoughts on what I did today

First, the push up challenge is so much harder than I thought it would be. I did the initial test and discovered I can do a whopping *drum roll* none. Lifting your entire body weight, when you weigh as much as I do, on flabby, non muscular arms is damn hard. However, I did the challenge, where I had to complete 12 total push ups. I couldn't do the regular kind at all and can barely do the kind on my knees. My husband stood over me to make sure I kept proper form throughout the entire push up and I just want to thank goodness that there are breaks between each "rep" of push ups. After I completed all of the reps, I actually did 12 push ups. And then my arms fell off.

Second, after I did the challenge, I got dressed, put my gym shoes on and headed over to the gym. I am not sure what changed, maybe the idea of the challenge or the fact that I took my phen, or that I was still reeling from the push ups challenge, but when I walked into the gym, the sense of dread I always feel wasn't there. The notion to quit five minutes into my work out wasn't there, either. I actually completed all 30 minutes on the tread climber at level two with a resistance of four and didn't watch the clock, praying for it to speed up the whole time. It may have helped that I have the kindle app on my phone and was reading a book as I worked out, or maybe the classical music I had blaring in my headphones to drown out the irritating radio the gym blasts from its speakers helped. Whatever it was, it worked. The 30 minutes sped by and I was actually surprised when the clock flashed that I was done. According to the machine, I went 1.87 miles and burned 362 calories. I am impressed with myself.

When I finished the tread climber, I moved on to the weight machines. Now, let me tell you how intimidating the weight machines are. I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to these. There are a select few that I actually know what to do on them and those are the ones I stick to. I never, ever go on them if there are a bunch of guys there, though. You know the guys I am talking about. I call them the grunters. They know how each machine works, they spend hours at the gym using them all, watching themselves in the mirror, slapping each other on the back as they switch machines or add weights, and look at the fat girl in their midst as if she were a Bedlam escapee. They intimidate me, I won't lie. And I don't use the weight machines if they are there.

But, I know that many reps of low weight lifting is important for fat burning, especially for women (see how my research and diet knowledge comes into play?). The few machines I know how to use are one for my arms, one for my abs, and a few for my legs. I have no idea how to go about placing myself or any weights in any of the other torture devices, so I stick to those.

Since there was only one other man there this evening, an older gentleman on the bicycle, I moved into the weight machine section after I finished the tread climber. Now, the last time I was at the gym, I got myself stuck in the sit up machine that works your abs. Having had such a great work out on the tread climber, my legs were feeling a bit wobbly, so I decided I wouldn't use any of the leg machines today. And, since my arms fell off from the push up challenge before I went to the gym, there was no need to even attempt the arm machines. And, I know if you fall off a horse, you gotta get back on, so I headed over to the ab machine. I made sure to place the pins within reach and not to set the weight to heavy for me and went to work. I finished 50 sit ups pushing 90 pounds. Yeah, I am a rock star.

So, there you have it. Day one of the challenge completed. I may not be able to move out of my bed tomorrow, but damn it, I am proud of myself for getting through this first day.

I did take pictures of myself today. Ok, I actually trusted to place my baby (some people call it a camera) in my wonderful and supportive husband's hands and he actually took the pictures. There are three. One from the front, one from the side, and one from the rear. I am a glutton for punishment and, after looking at the pictures, will probably need a prescription for antidepressants to get me through looking at them again. But, look I will, especially if it serves to remind me just how awful I look and how much I DON'T want to hit a drive thru ever again. I had plans to upload them tonight to go with this post, but I need to still climb the stairs to go to bed. I am pretty sure that will end the amount of energy I have had today. So, I will upload them to tomorrow's post.

Challenges

Starting tomorrow, Lori (click her name and go check out her blog!) and I are going to be working together on our weight loss goals with several challenges to keep us going and we are relying on YOU to help keep us motivated.

First, our goal is and always will be, to lose weight by exercising and eating right. To keep ourselves going, we have come up with several challenges between the two of us. In these challenges, there will be no winners or losers, only consequences and rewards. We have each chosen a consequence to keep us motivated, as well as a reward at the end of the challenge.

Second, we will be posting a picture of ourselves at the beginning of our challenge, and then at the beginning of each month there after. I am a photographer and I hate, hate, hate to be in front of the camera. It is depressing and humiliating for me to see myself in a picture. However, for this, I will do it.

Now, I won't share with you what my consequence is (and Lori may or may not share with you what hers is. Suffice it to say, it is enough to make me NOT want to do it), but the reward I have chosen is a new outfit. I don't buy clothes for myself very often because, frankly, at this size, shopping is just not fun for me. But, a new outfit in a SMALLER size might be just the thing I need to keep me going. So, there is my reward.

Here are the rules of the challenge:

1) We must complete the challenge every day.

2) We must blog about the challenge, what we did to complete it, and whether or not we completed it, every day.

For the first challenge, we have decided to complete the 100 push ups a day program. We have each downloaded an app for our phones that will allow us to complete each day of the program and then, when we have completed it, it should post it to our facebook pages. We will also blog about it.

Lori and I will continue to do a challenge throughout our weight loss journey. As soon as one challenge ends, we will begin another. Of course, coming up with these challenges is tough, so we may be asking for your help in the future.

So, there it is in a nutshell. Lori and I have dared each other to lose weight. In the process of doing so, we will be supporting each other through our blogs and our additional challenges. Who will be the winner? In the end, we both will.

To keep a running tally of the challenges I have set up for myself they are:

1)take my phen every day

2) blog about my weight loss every day

3) complete the 100 push ups program challenge with Lori

The weight can start melting off now.

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You!

So, my friend Lori (click her name and check out her blog!) and I are doing something fun and unique. We are starting on Monday, and I will explain more then. But, it should be fun, challenging, and supportive. I am so excited to get started!

As for myself, well, this weekend is kind of sucking for me. I have zero energy. And even less motivation. So, yeah, not much is getting done. I have told myself it is because Monday is when so many things will be getting started, that I should just let this be my last weekend, but I have said that so many times, it doesn't really hold much appeal, you know? So, I am still minding my calories, I am just not very active.

Ok, sitting around reading and wandering the pool watching my kids swim isn't active at all, but hey, I got out of bed today and brushed my teeth. At the rate I have been feeling, let's call today a success.

Why?

I hope this dates itself so that all of my posts are in order. For some reason, my days are all mixed up this week and I thought today was Tuesday. And then I was informed it was Wednesday by someone at the pool when, in fact, it is actually Thursday. However, It's 2 AM, so I am sure it will seem like i am posting on Friday. But, I am not, it's really Thursday to me. Or Tuesday. Or whatever . . .

Anyway, the importance of the days is that I promised myself I would write in this blog every day for as long as it takes me to lose this weight and then keep it off for at least a year. So, I am in this for a good long while. And I don't want to mess this up.

I have thought, all day, about what I would blog about. I want to keep this related to my weight loss journey. My feelings, my thoughts, my frustrations, and my success will all be journaled (is that a word? My spell check doesn't think so.) in these pages. It's going to be tough coming up with a topic every day to write about, but that's part of the challenge. Perhaps, just perhaps, I can work out whatever it is in my brain that I apparently have wrong with me that has led me to a weight as heavy as I am now.

I have always been a big girl. A chubby child, an overweight teenager, and now, an obese adult. I am rather obsessed with food, though I have no real reason why. I just love it. I love the taste, the textures, the way simple ingredients can be combined to make an astonishing, exquisite explosion on your tongue. Sweets are my downfall, no questions asked. But, I am not a candy person, if that makes sense. I don't like super, sugary sweets. What I love are rich, sweet cakes, chocolates, doughnuts, and brownies. Basically, bad carbs that send my blood sugars soaring and my metabolism into the toilet. I know they are my weakness. I try and try and try to control myself but . . . I just don't.

I have always envied those people who can just take a little bit of something and feel satisfied while I can't get enough even after the while cake has been devoured. Maybe it's a fluke in my genes. Maybe it's psychological. Whatever it is, I mean to overcome it and become one of those people who *gasp* understands and employs moderation.

Along those lines, at this year's annual check up with my doctor, she was quite concerned with my weight. Particularly since I have gained fifty pounds since I became a stay at home mom. It's no surprise, really. I stay home and don't do a while lot other than clean my house and take care of my kids. And eat. And eat. And eat. And eat. We discussed what i have done in the past for weight loss and I explained all of the tricks, the diets, the plans, the whatever I had tried (and there have been many, many attempts to get this weight off). I also told her that, for some reason, I lose a little weight but then I gain it all back and then some. I try again, with the same results. The reason, more often than not, is that I give up on the plan, the diet, the trick before I actually ever succeed with anything.

We discussed the repercussions of my weight. Diabetes. Heart Attack. Those are scary words to a mom with two young children to raise. I just stared at her helplessly and told her I just didn't know what to do. It was then she mentioned putting me on Phentermine. You can google the med, but it's basically an appetite suppressant that helps boost your metabolism. I was all for trying anything. So, the prescription was written, picked up, and paid for. And it sat in my medicine cabinet for a week before I even took one of the pills.

That was a the end of May. It is now August. I still have 15 pills left. I can't explain why I don't take it regularly. When I do, it is awesome stuff. I have more energy than I have ever had. I don't feel those awful cravings for sugary, buttery, chocolatey delicious desserts. I even go to the gym and *drum roll* actually lose weight. So what is wrong with me? Why can't I just take the damn pills every morning and follow through with that plan?

Challenge number one: Take my Phentermine every morning until all of the pills are gone.

Challenge number two: go back to the doctor to pick up a refill and then actually take the pills for 30 consecutive days.

Maybe after these challenges, I can answer that question.

Excuse Me

So, since I promised myself I would write in this blog each and every day, I am posting tonight. Though it's after midnight, it might not show up as Wednesday, but since I haven't been to bed yet, it's still Wednesday to me.

I was thinking I would devote Wednesdays to weigh in. Have a kind of cliche, gimmicky title like "Weigh In Wednesday" or something cheesy like that. But, alas, I was completely lazy today. I didn't do much at all in regards to exercise, fitness, health, or weight loss. I definitely didn't get up first thing this morning to weigh myself. And I am the type of girl who has to weigh herself first thing in the morning. Completely naked because clothes weigh something. After I have gone pee to get rid of that added weight and before I brush my teeth (because that little bit of water you swallow when you brush does have a weight to it, and it counts on the scale.) And it just didn't happen this morning.

You see, my hubby and I had an argument last night. I was up most of the night brooding over it and then didn't sleep well once I did finally succumb to the sandman. So, I slept in this morning. And then, when I got up, I popped a movie in for the kids, fed them breakfast, and then reclined on the couch with a book. And there I stayed all morning and well into the afternoon. And then there was the mad rush to pick up the house, make dinner, feed the kids, do some laundry, and then relax, again with my book once I got the kids to bed early. It was a complete waste of a day. And now, I am feeling major guilt. I am beating myself up over it because in the long run, I had no excuse, though I told myself over and over again, all day, that my excuse was that I was tired. It had been a rough night, blah blah, blah.

It shouldn't have been an excuse, and never one accepted by myself. Four years ago, I was a working mom. I worked 32 hours a week as a Social Worker. And I went to school in the evenings because, for some insane reason, I wanted to change careers to become a teacher. I stayed up most nights doing homework. I would go to bed for a couple of hours only to be awakened again to nurse my baby. And then a couple more hours of sleep before I got up, go myself and two kids ready, and went to work for eight hours. After work, I went to a gym and worked out for half an hour before picking my kids up, going home, making dinner, bathing the boys, and then going up to the college for my evening class. After class, it was more homework, more brief napping, another nursing session, and then another nap. A few hours later, work, gym, kids, dinner . . . . you get the idea. My hubby and I still had arguments. I had bad days at work. Homework was distracting me. I had lots of nights that sleep completely escaped my search for it.

I lived in a tunnel. Most days, I barely knew my name, I was so exhausted. But, I still found time to work out. I ate healthy. I wanted to get that damn baby weight off. I was determined. And I was succeeding. If I missed the gym (it was kind of a hokey place that wasn't always open when I needed it to be), I took the boys out for a walk. Pushing two kids in a stroller off road in the mountains is great exercise, by the way. It didn't matter that I barely slept, that I had worked hard all day and was so tired my eyes were crossed, I still did what I needed to get the weight off. No excuses. No lies to myself. Nothing was acceptable.

So why, oh why, do I give in to myself now? Why did I stop living as I did that summer and fall? I don't have the answers. If I did, I would be at my goal weight already. What I DO know is that I have GOT TO STOP excusing myself for my laziness. Pure and simple. It will no longer be tolerated.

And next Wednesday, you can expect a stupid, cheesy gimmick line with a report of my weigh in for the day. I know, you wait with bated breath.

Shredded

Maybe I am not cut out to be a thin person. This thought becomes a mantra in my head throughout my day, my week, my life. And who knows? Maybe I'm not. But, I should like to actually try. And succeed. I should like to go somewhere with my husband without feeling like people are staring and wondering why, oh why, is that gorgeous man with HER?

Do you ever look at other overweight people and wonder . . . do I look like that? Is my belly really that big? Does my butt have that much jello in it? I do. Everyday. Everywhere I go. I compare myself to every. damn. female. Especially if she is overweight. It's a self esteem issue, I know. And I just can't help myself. Oh! Here is something else. No matter how much bigger or smaller the woman I am comparing myself to is, I never, ever, come out the winner. The other person usually has nicer arms, a smaller stomach, better ankles,nicer boobs, cuter clothes, etc. It doesn't matter, I look down at myself and on myself all the time. And I should probably stop that. I know it's not a healthy habit. Thankfully, it isn't one I express out loud, so my kids have no clue how I compare myself to other people. At least, I hope they don't realize it because I NEVER wan them to feel inferior in looks to anyone else. Ever. My boys are beautiful, and I know I am biased, but I just can't help it. They are gorgeous and I would despise myself if my actions made them feel poorly about themselves.

This summer we have spent the majority of our time at the pool. Let's talk about body issues and spend your life at the pool, shall we? It took me a month to even show up to the pool in a swimsuit. And I did it then only because it was so damn hot out, I couldn't take not getting into the water with my boys. So now, I live in my swimsuit. We are at the pool everyday and will be until school starts. And I thank goodness for sunglasses. They hide my staring.

First of all, I am simply amazed that so many women out there with more than generous, er, curves feel comfortable in a bikini. In my case, a neck to knees garment isn't entirely out of the question when it comes to swimsuit options. Sadly, I couldn't find such a thing when Lane Bryant had their sale last year, so I am stuck with a rather cute tankini that covers much but not nearly enough for my comfort. So I tend to tug and shift often. Either the girls (and there are many) in those bikinis just don't realize how not good they look in them or they truly, truly just don't care. If it's the latter, I want to become these girls' protege. I want to learn and master their carelessness of the world's opinion for how they look in a swimsuit. And then, I want to wear an appropriate suit of my own (meaning sooo not a bikini) feeling completely comfortable and without all the tugging and shifting.

Secondly, the women who DO, in fact, have bodies made for bikinis and who wear them? I envy them. I want their flat stomachs, their slim hips, their thin legs, and their perky boobs. Oh! As a sidetrack - Why is it that all of these skinny women with three and four kids at the pool have perfect boobs? Are they fake? Is the secret just being skinny? If I lose weight, will MY boobs suddenly stop looking like deflated balloons hanging down to my navel and become miraculously perky and beautiful? *sigh* Ok, back on topic - The skinny women in their beautiful bathing suits with their perfect bodies. I stare. And thank goodness for sunglasses. Because I really am not a creeper. I am not interested in women's bodies in a sexual way. I am just envious and wonder . . . what must it feel like to be so beautiful?

So, there it is. I have zero, zilch, zip in regards to self esteem. I really haven't ever had any, either. I am the girl people always say "you have such pretty eyes!" and that's it. Sometimes they comment on how smart I am. Not often, but you can't see my brain as well as you can see my eyes. I have green eyes. And long lashes. I guess they are pretty. But, I would trade them for cow brown with stubby lashes if I could resemble that blond I spotted at the pool today. Tall. Lean. Muscular. Four kids. Probably a size 2. Nice curves. Big boobs. I stared. Then I shook my head and looked for my kids and hoped four hours of damned running up and down the stairs for the body slide could count as my gym visit today. Because my thighs are KILLING me right now and I seriously have NO energy at all at this moment. And that mantra started ringing again. Maybe I am not cut out to be a thin person . . . .

In the beginning

I should have named this blog the Diet Diva. Or maybe Know All, Do Nothing. Or Fatty For Life. It's tough coming up with name ideas. Almost as tough as naming your baby. Almost . . . but I digress. As you get to know me, you will find that I do that a lot. Digress, go off on tangents, what have you. It's just that I get an idea in my head and it transfers itself right through to my fingers and onto the page you are reading. I write how I speak, fast and furious. Ideas come and I need to get them out before i forget them. I am a busy mom, you know, and things don't often remain in my head long enough to remember to get them out later because something else will have taken over my focus when I need to express a thought or idea. And so, I have learned to just say, or write, what I want as soon as the thoughts come. I try to proof read, to make sure everything makes sense and, surprisingly, it often does. We'll see if it works out for me today.

I suppose I should introduce myself, explain what this blog is all about and maybe, just maybe, give myself, and you, a reason to stick around. You see, I am not very devoted to things like this. I am a busy mom and wife. Something always comes up that needs to be doing and blogs, the gym, healthy eating, etc. miraculously find their way to the back burner, eventually to be shoved completely off the stove until a new bee starts buzzing in my bonnet and I put it on simmer and wait for it to boil. And those ideas do love to boil, often spilling all over the stove and making a huge mess. And then, the clean up committee comes along (meaning the life of a busy mom I was telling you about) and said idea gets shoved back further and further and the cycle just repeats itself over and over again. It's why I have managed to lose and gain so much weight over the years.

I am one of those girls who knows anything and everything about weight loss. I have always been overweight. I think I was on my first diet when I was in first grade. Or maybe second grade. I just know that I was the fattest girl in my class and didn't want to be. I remember my mom telling me what I should and shouldn't eat and making me go outside to play. But, I was the quiet, shy girl. The girl who had a few friends, but not the kind who would grab a bike and tear off into the wild outdoors. No, my friends, more often than not, lived inside the pages of books. So, I did go outside, only to find a quiet place in the shade with a new book I had sneaked out of the house, constantly on guard for my mother's voice calling me home for dinner. I can't tell you how many of those books, as I grew older, were weight loss books. I have read enough that I should, probably, have a degree in weight loss. At the very minimum, I should at least be thin as a rail. And I probably would be, had I followed any of the advice listed in those many, many books.

The bottom line is, I just never actually do anything about it long term. Oh, I get those ideas I spoke of earlier. The great "This Is IT, THE Plan For Weight Loss" that I work on for a day, a week, maybe even a month or two. And I lose a few pounds here and there. Once, I even lost a whole 30 pounds all together in a three month span of time. Of course, it was right after I had my eleven pound baby, but I did actually work on getting that weight off with a good diet and exercise. But then life interferes. In the case of my thirty pounds, winter arrived. At the time, I lived in the mountains, worked full time, and had two small babies. There was no way I could continue to walk the 3 miles I did each night after dinner with my babies in below zero weather and a hundred feet of snow. I know, I know . . . Once, I was doing really well with Weight Watchers and then I got pregnant with my first little one. They kick you out of Weight Watchers when you are pregnant. *sigh* Of course, when I no longer work on my weight loss, I gain weight and I gain quickly. Those thirty pounds I so proudly lost in 3 months, I gained back before Thanksgiving. Over that winter, I gained even more. Five years later, all of my "baby weight" is still there. Plus another 25 pounds.

It is only recently I discovered what I was doing to myself. Making excuses. The kids have a late night baseball game, I am invited to a much needed mom's night out with a few friends, or the hubby declares payday Friday my night off from the kitchen. We go out to eat. I act like I haven't eaten outside of my kitchen in a century (when it had really only been a few days) and make the most horrible meal choices on the menu, promising myself I will do better tomorrow, I will work out at the gym an extra hour or two to burn it off, I will never eat out again in my life. Or, I get a PMS attack and eat the biggest chocolate bar you have ever seen in your life. I make the same promises to myself about the gym and starting over tomorrow and never doing this again. But, guess what? The tomorrow I promise myself never comes because I never actually do change my eating habits and instead make plans for the next restaurant I can convince my husband to try to avoid another night making dinner and then the whole kitchen clean up. I don't actually go to the gym because the overeating has upset my stomach and I feel like crap. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

And here I am, with a 49.7% body fat and needing to lose at least 150 pounds, but really would prefer to lose 165 because I am a woman, and we must always push the envelope when it comes to imagining ourselves and a perfect weight and a smaller dress size. Surprisingly, my goal weight is not that unreasonable. I would like to weigh 175 pounds, but would be satisfied with weighing 190. It's under 200 pounds, a weight I haven't been since I was in high school. Or maybe eighth grade. It's been so long, I really can't remember. I am not sure what dress size that would be for me. I am six feet tall (and when you weigh as much as I do, that means I am a BIG girl right now. I hate that feeling, the Amazon, should we invite her to be a member of next Sumo Wrestler's R Us. Since I can't do anything about my height, I am going to do something about my weight. Maybe the whole odd girl out of every single damn crowd will go away. Maybe not. It's worth a try).

With all of that, I am now going to formally introduce myself. My name is Kama. I am a thirty-four year old mother and wife. I have two amazing, intelligent,funny, and adorable boys. Bugs is my second grader and Bubba is my kindergartner. They are my life and I can't imagine not being their mommy. I also have a hard working husband who is so supportive and loving, he would give me the world if he could and I love him more than anything. In a nutshell, I am devoted to my family. And life has finally progressed to a point that my boys no longer need my every second of attention and devotion. It's gotten to a point now that I no longer have to plan my days around meals and snacks and naps and potty breaks. It no longer takes me an hour to get ready to leave the house for fifteen minutes. I can simply say, go get your shoes on and meet me in the truck and we are off in a few short minutes. My boys are also old enough to notice how different their mommy is from other mommies. They are fond of reminding me how squishy my belly is and how wide the booty of my pants are, lovingly, of course, because they don't realize that their words sting. They also remind me how much bigger I am than other moms. It is a nightmare I never wanted to live, but have blushingly endured since my oldest was in kindergarten. And this is NOT an example I want to set for my kids. I don't want them to think it is okay to be fat. It is time, now, for me to take a part of my days back for myself.

As I alluded to earlier, I love to read. I read anything and everything I can get my hands on. And, in the past five years, I have discovered a love of writing. It's quite cathartic, managing other people's lives, manipulating villains, making people fall in and out of love. Fictionally, of course. And so, I am going to give my passion for writing a chance with my own life. I will manage my own life in these pages, non fictionally. I will manipulate my fat villain and make myself fall in love with healthy eating and exercise. Because, no matter how many books a person reads or writes, the big secret for weight loss is simple. You have to work off more than you take in and what you take in should provide your body with what it needs to function properly and not what makes your brain happy.

My plan for this blog is to relate, every day, my feelings of how my journey is proceeding. How I ate each day, what I ate each day, and how it feels sweating and killing myself in the gym, and, most importantly, how much weight I am losing as I go along. I also hope to find some seriously delicious recipes to share that are healthy. The exercise part is easy enough, I just need to get to the gym and get my body moving. It's the food part that is most difficult for me. Frankly, I am lazy. I hate to stand over a stove and then deal with the mess later. It is SO much easier to run through a drive through or find a delicious new restaurant to try out. But, this is not teaching my kids good habits, and all that eating out is one reason why I gain weight so quickly. So, I will be on the hunt for GOOD recipes that my family will enjoy that are healthy and nutritious. As I go along, I am sure I will have more ideas to add but, in a nutshell, this blog is all about weight loss. And, if I ever get there, what it feels like to reach my goal weight.