Shredded

Maybe I am not cut out to be a thin person. This thought becomes a mantra in my head throughout my day, my week, my life. And who knows? Maybe I'm not. But, I should like to actually try. And succeed. I should like to go somewhere with my husband without feeling like people are staring and wondering why, oh why, is that gorgeous man with HER?

Do you ever look at other overweight people and wonder . . . do I look like that? Is my belly really that big? Does my butt have that much jello in it? I do. Everyday. Everywhere I go. I compare myself to every. damn. female. Especially if she is overweight. It's a self esteem issue, I know. And I just can't help myself. Oh! Here is something else. No matter how much bigger or smaller the woman I am comparing myself to is, I never, ever, come out the winner. The other person usually has nicer arms, a smaller stomach, better ankles,nicer boobs, cuter clothes, etc. It doesn't matter, I look down at myself and on myself all the time. And I should probably stop that. I know it's not a healthy habit. Thankfully, it isn't one I express out loud, so my kids have no clue how I compare myself to other people. At least, I hope they don't realize it because I NEVER wan them to feel inferior in looks to anyone else. Ever. My boys are beautiful, and I know I am biased, but I just can't help it. They are gorgeous and I would despise myself if my actions made them feel poorly about themselves.

This summer we have spent the majority of our time at the pool. Let's talk about body issues and spend your life at the pool, shall we? It took me a month to even show up to the pool in a swimsuit. And I did it then only because it was so damn hot out, I couldn't take not getting into the water with my boys. So now, I live in my swimsuit. We are at the pool everyday and will be until school starts. And I thank goodness for sunglasses. They hide my staring.

First of all, I am simply amazed that so many women out there with more than generous, er, curves feel comfortable in a bikini. In my case, a neck to knees garment isn't entirely out of the question when it comes to swimsuit options. Sadly, I couldn't find such a thing when Lane Bryant had their sale last year, so I am stuck with a rather cute tankini that covers much but not nearly enough for my comfort. So I tend to tug and shift often. Either the girls (and there are many) in those bikinis just don't realize how not good they look in them or they truly, truly just don't care. If it's the latter, I want to become these girls' protege. I want to learn and master their carelessness of the world's opinion for how they look in a swimsuit. And then, I want to wear an appropriate suit of my own (meaning sooo not a bikini) feeling completely comfortable and without all the tugging and shifting.

Secondly, the women who DO, in fact, have bodies made for bikinis and who wear them? I envy them. I want their flat stomachs, their slim hips, their thin legs, and their perky boobs. Oh! As a sidetrack - Why is it that all of these skinny women with three and four kids at the pool have perfect boobs? Are they fake? Is the secret just being skinny? If I lose weight, will MY boobs suddenly stop looking like deflated balloons hanging down to my navel and become miraculously perky and beautiful? *sigh* Ok, back on topic - The skinny women in their beautiful bathing suits with their perfect bodies. I stare. And thank goodness for sunglasses. Because I really am not a creeper. I am not interested in women's bodies in a sexual way. I am just envious and wonder . . . what must it feel like to be so beautiful?

So, there it is. I have zero, zilch, zip in regards to self esteem. I really haven't ever had any, either. I am the girl people always say "you have such pretty eyes!" and that's it. Sometimes they comment on how smart I am. Not often, but you can't see my brain as well as you can see my eyes. I have green eyes. And long lashes. I guess they are pretty. But, I would trade them for cow brown with stubby lashes if I could resemble that blond I spotted at the pool today. Tall. Lean. Muscular. Four kids. Probably a size 2. Nice curves. Big boobs. I stared. Then I shook my head and looked for my kids and hoped four hours of damned running up and down the stairs for the body slide could count as my gym visit today. Because my thighs are KILLING me right now and I seriously have NO energy at all at this moment. And that mantra started ringing again. Maybe I am not cut out to be a thin person . . . .