What I know about LCHF

On my Facebook page, I'm getting LOADS of interest in the LCHF life - what is it and how it works. If you came here from that post, the next little bit is going to be a repeat before I get into the nitty gritty of what you're probably looking for.

First off, I'm not an LCHF expert by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I'm still learning and researching this way of life and every day, I learn more and find new things to investigate. It's a process and I strongly encourage you to gather your own information to help answer your questions. The information is out there, you just have to find it. However, I am willing to help you find it as I share the teensy bit of knowledge I've gained. Pay attention to the title of this post. This is what I know. This is what I have learned in my research. If you know more, great. Please share it. If you found something different from what I know, great. Please share it. The wonderful thing about learning is that there is always more. And I want to soak up as much as I can.

Secondly, I'm not a doctor. I can't tell you this is a medically sound way of living for you because I'm not a doctor. I can, however, tell you about the things I've learned behind the science of this diet and how it works. I can link you to medical research studies and blogs written by nutritionists and encourage you to talk to your own doctor.

With all of that said, here is a little bit of what I've learned about LCHF. This post does not, by any stretch of the imagination, encompass the entirety of this lifestyle. It is merely a starting point. A place for you to jump forward in your own research journey.

What is LCHF?

I had a bit of trouble trying to figure out where to start with this thing in answering questions, so I guess I'll just start at the beginning. LCHF stands for Low Carb High Fat. It's not a new thing - it's been around for a little over a hundred years. Originally, it was developed to help people, mostly kids, with epilepsy. The eating plan evolved to help others with different sorts of medical issues when doctors and scientists realized how it was helping their patients in areas they weren't specifically treating. For a while there, it was touted as the best thing to replace sliced bread.  Something happened over the decades and people became weird about such a simple solution to medical issues. Pills and prescriptions became the preferred method of fixing what was wrong with us. And suddenly, fat was bad. LCHF eating was overlooked as a fad diet or mocked because someone decided eating fat is equivalent to ingesting cancer. Occasionally, the diet comes back in popularity with a new name and a few tweaks, but, ultimately, it's the same. Your diet consists of eating foods low in carbs (really low in carbs), and high in fat. You control your protein intake and your sugar intake is pretty much null. It's a way of life that is, truly, sustainable so it's not a fad diet. It's not really a diet at all, because, once you've become invested in it, it really is a way of life.  

Okay, so what is it, really? 

LCHF is how you modify your diet to stop using the food you're eating as your only source of fuel and start using the fuel you already have stored for energy (AKA the fat you want to melt off your thighs and hips). There's a whole bunch of science and chemistry involved in food digestion and how what passes our lips ultimately lands on our hips. I won't bore you with the details because, unless you're a science geek like I am, you won't be interested in it anyway. Here's what you need to know: You eat fat to burn fat.

Cool, right?

Still don't understand? Go here. This doctor does a better job of explaining it. He's pretty much a top guru for the lifestyle.

Pay Attention To This Part:

Now comes the warning part because most people see they can eat low carb, high fat to lose weight and go a little crazy. I know I did. You should be ready for these warnings because, if your a lifetime dieter like I am, you've heard them before. In fact, they're pretty much the basis of any diet, way of life, eating plan, or whatever you want to call it. Calories in minus calories out equals weight loss. If you want to lose weight, you have to eat less than what you expend in energy. Low carb high fat does not mean you can go hog wild (oh, I am a punny one). You can't eat as much bacon and butter as you can handle in a day and expect the pounds to melt off.  You can't sit on your couch and think that, because you haven't had a gram of sugar or a spot of starch in your diet, your ass is going to magically lose inches.  

You HAVE to monitor your calories.  

You HAVE to monitor your macros.  

You HAVE to exercise. 

But, I have special circumstances! My body is different than yours!

No, actually, it isn't. Your body works the same way mine does when it comes to this. Every body does. Take a look at this article, it's filled with the science of thermodynamics. Calories in and calories out equals weight loss. Yes, some people struggle a little more than others because there is more to the science of weight loss (and the article addresses that - put your excuses aside and read it to understand it), but, ultimately in the end, bottom line - calories in vs calories out equals weight loss.

Monitor your calories. Monitor your macros. Exercise.  

If you aren't losing weight it's probably one of the following reasons: You're eating more than you think you are. You aren't exercising enough to burn off the excess calories.  

When you start monitoring what passes your lips on its way to your thighs, you'll be surprised at what you discover.

Macros? WTF?

I've mentioned macros a couple of times and if you aren't familiar with the term, you might be wondering what magic I speak of.  

Macros is a short way of saying macronutrients. There are three of them and they are the fundamental keys that your body relies on to function.  

Protein

Fat

Carbohydrates

While looking for a better and easier way to explain this to you all, I found this blog post that does a pretty awesome job of saying what I wanted to convey about the keto lifestyle. (Keto is another name for LCHF). She also has some pretty cool links on the sidebar that will take you to other places with more really great information on LCHF. Go here to check it out.

Clear as mud?

Did you click the links? Did you read to understand and not just get that part over with to get to the good stuff? Go back and read them again - that was the good stuff. Go back again and click through the links they supplied. Like I said in the beginning, there is LOADS of information out there, you just have to look for it. More than that, you have to be willing to look for it. If you're not willing to learn for yourself, I can't teach you.

Sweet dreams are made of these

In my quest to not diet, enjoy life, and just be me, but a healthier me, I made a super delicious dinner tonight.

I had to go into town to go grocery shopping after school and, of course, there's a snow storm going on (the kind where people miraculously forget to how to drive), so it took for-freaking-ever to get there and then home again.  It was late by the time we got everything unloaded and my kids were moaning about growling tummies, so the meal I had planned on wasn't happening.  I needed something quick, but I still wanted to stay healthy.  I had some ham steaks on hand, so I heated those up.  I had a BBQ ranch broccoli slaw that I had gotten at Sam's (and it's divine), so we had that with it.  And, I had bought some sweet potatoes tonight, too.

Now, I've bought sweet potatoes before and they always end up moldering away in the pantry until I toss them out.  Not only have I never been a fan of that overly syrupy marshmallow glob covered dish served on Thanksgiving, but I just didn't know what to do with them or how to cook them.  Yet, I still bought them from time to time with some crazy idea that just never hatched fully or got carried out to completion.  In my research this weekend, I learned that the sweet potato is a powerful little commodity in the battle of the bulge, so I bought them again tonight.  And I was determined to get over my fears and use them.  Thanks to Google and some modifications, I added sweet potatoes to the meal to help fill those ever hollow bellies that I live with.

Can I just say . . . O.  M.  G.  soooo fricken good!  How did I not know these existed to be cooked this way?  These may become a new guilty pleasure.

So, how'd I do it?  I washed 4 medium sized sweet potatoes and then poked them twice (once on each "side") with a steak knife.  Then, I put them in the microwave for 10 minutes on high.  I pulled them out, sliced them open in half and then kind of pulled the knife through the meat inside to kind of open it up for the seasoning.  I put a pat of butter in the middle of the crease and then sprinkled a little sea salt and a whole lot of pepper all over them.  Then, I put them in a 450 degree oven until smoke billowed out the front because I failed to take into account the high heat, the butter and the fact that I put the spuds on my rectangular cooking stone and not one that had sides.

Oops.

But, it was maybe about 5 minutes or so that they were in there.  After opening the windows and turning all the fans on to air the house out, I dished up dinner - including the now smoked sweet potatoes.

Despite a near tragedy, these babies were delicious!  Tender and savory with just a hint of sweet.  Not that overpowering syrupy sickness that I was used to pairing with a sweet potato.  No, THIS is how a sweet potato should be made.

My guys agreed they were good, but were maybe not as enthusiastic as I've been over them.  But, what do they know?  They eat boogers.

Anything Goes

I've spent the weekend reflecting.  And I've come to realize something very important.  Something that needs to be stopped immediately before someone gets hurt.

You see, Prince Charming and I have been misbehaving badly.  Very badly.

Especially when we go out in public.

Or are left to our own devices in the kitchen.  We are very, very naughty.

No, not like that, you dirty minded little perv.

We've been enabling each other like crazy.  "You're tired, don't cook, we'll go out."  "We're in town, anyway, we'll go out."  "I just cleaned this kitchen spotless, I don't want to mess it up.  Let's go out."  And we've been falling back into our old bad habits - eating out way too much.  And it's showing.  The scales aren't dipping like we want them to.  And then the few days we DO behave, we expect glamorous and shocking results and get pissy when they don't happen.  By pissy, I mean we get depressed and angry and say mean and hurtful things about ourselves and other people.  It's not good, it's not pretty.  And it really does need to be stopped.

Because our goal is to get healthy.  Now, I realize that the road is not going to be smooth and even.  It's going to be bumpy and curvy and mostly uphill.  And that's okay.  The challenge of getting there is going to make the final destination so much better appreciated!  (at least that's what I keep telling myself.  Honestly?  It's fine and easy to spout that BS when you've reached your destination, I'm sure.  But while we're still traveling, we'd prefer that smooth, easy route, thank you very much.)

Anyhoots, back to what I was saying - being positive is an important part of healthy living.  Even I, Miss Negative Nelly, understand that being positive is going to make reaching your goals easier.  Because, mostly, losing weight is a mind trick.  We have to get out of our heads and into our bodies long enough to get the weight off, that the positivity (is that a word?  spell check says it isn't.  I am defying spell check and making that a word.) is an absolute must.

Yet, it's very hard to stay positive.  Especially when you have a road that is as long as mine is.  I'm not saying I am special or any more important than anyone else.  What I am saying is that I have been battling my weight my entire life.  And now that I am finally getting somewhere with it, it seems like it is taking for-freaking-ever.  I see these people around me who have tried this and that and the other and their weight is FALLING off of them while I struggle with the same three friggen pounds for weeks on end, only to get past them and move on to the next three pound loss/gain for weeks and so on and on and on . . .   And I wonder - "what the hell am I doing so wrong that they are doing so right?  Why is this SUCH a struggle for me?"  

And I think, maybe, I found an answer.  I think, maybe, I've been diet hopping - trying this new fad diet and that old suggestion and these new supplements that make grand promises but just deliver a lower bank account -  for so long, most of my life, actually, that I forgot how to just be.  How to be me. How to enjoy life and those around me and not be so obsessive with my body, my image, and how much the scale says I'm worth.  But mostly, I forgot what it's like to live life without stressing over every.single.thing that goes into my mouth.

Everything.

Whether it's a healthy stick of celery or an unhealthy chunk of chocolate cake, I stress about it, worry over it, and count things in my head, on online nutrition trackers, and at the gym.  It's all consuming.  It's exhausting.

So, I did some serious research this weekend.  Research on food and calories and metabolism and all sorts of stuff that I am sure you'll find boring.  I did a lot of math.

A. Lot. Of. Math.

Needless to say, this research took some serious time.  But, it was worth it because I think I discovered a secret.  But, it's not really a secret.  Everyone knows what it is already, I just figured it out for myself.

Eat less, move more.

Yep.  Big deal, right?  Eat less, move more.

But that doesn't mean eat NOTHING of this and ALL of that.  It also doesn't mean NEVER can you have this and ALWAYS you must have that.  It just means what it says.

Eat less, move more.

There's not special diet out there that is going to be the magic trick that is going to melt my weight away.  There is no trick or tried and true method that worked for them and must work for me, because everyone is different.  Every BODY is different.  And what works for you, your neighbor, your sister's best friend's aunt's cousin, or whoever is not necessarily going to work for me.  In fact, it probably won't.  Because I tend to sabotage myself.  (don't ask.  I'm not sure why and I know it will probably take too many thousands of dollars and a medically trained therapist to figure it out, so let's just leave it as I do this and I need to stop, but we all know I won't.)  And, I can't stick to anything for any length of time.  I can't help it, it's just me.

You know what else is me?

I love to read.  I enjoy going to the movies.  I like to make out with Prince Charming on my living room couch after the kids have gone to bed.  I love spending my summer days at the pool and my summer nights on my deck.  I like to have my friends over so we can catch up on gossip and our kids can drain their excess energy on each other.  I like to sit back with a glass of wine and a smoke to relax at the end of a hard week.  I like to listen to rock music - the louder the better.  The sound of running water is soothing to me, but being near a body of water is even more soothing.  The sound of my kids laughing, or better yet, being the cause of my kids' laughter, is the best thing in the entire world.

Of course, there is so much more to me, but I don't want to bore you or make this post any longer.  The point it that I am a unique  individual with unique tastes and pleasures.  Not one of those listed above had anything to do with food.  Some of them might involve food, but for me, it's more about the friendship and sharing and relaxing and just being than it is about the food.  So, why have I made my life revolve so much around what I eat?

So, I'm not doing it anymore.  I am not dieting.  I am just going to be me.  I am, of course, going to eat healthy and exercise more, but I am not obsessing over it to the point that I lose hours of time and sleep over it.  I will continue to track things, and I will continue to plan out the week in advance so that I can grocery shop as any mother and wife does.  And I will keep looking for healthy recipes I think my family might like to eat.  And we'll limit our eating out to the cheat meal, the "anything goes, who cares if it's healthy, it's going on my belly" meal.  Once a week and more more than that.  And we are probably not going to be positive about it.  I'm probably going to bitch and moan about it to all and sundry.  And guess what?  I think I've just undone all of my plans and realized I am still dieting, I am just not calling it a diet.

Mother trucker.  


Like I said, I can't stick to anything, so we'll see how this goes.

New Year, New me

So, this past year, I have lost 65 pounds.

This past year, I learned that I do kind of like exercise but I still really hate dieting.

This past year, the click was made in my brain about the importance of diet, but the greater importance of exercise and the hugely importance of doing both at the same time.

This past year, I learned I can actually run without someone with a bloody knife chasing me.  I can only run for about a minute.  But hey!  That's a minute longer than I could do before.

This past year, I learned that the more success I have, the more success I have.

This past year, I learned that maybe, just maybe, I can do this.

So, this year, I am going to do this.

Totally.



My twenty year class reunion is this summer.  I'd like to get at least 50 pounds off before then, though a hundred would be my absolute favoritist thing in the whole wide world, I'm going to be a bit realistic here and, knowing myself as I know myself, say 50 is even pushing it.  But, I'll get there.  Right?

 

Experiment in Eating

This past week has been very, very eye opening and educating for me.  For instance, I learned this past week that baseball season and working full time is hell for my dedication to the gym (which is sketchy at best anyway).  I missed all but one day of the gym this week, thanks to practice and game schedules for two busy boys interfering with this crazy thing called my job.  Seriously, this week was crazy town.  Also - it was the last week for my students, which means there were treats galore and I wasn't as well behaved as I should have been (but when a special needs child comes up to you with a plate of cookies and tells you he made them just for you, really, can you say "no thanks, I'm dieting"? Or do you take it and eat a couple in front of him, relishing not only the chocolate deliciousness, but his look of extreme delight in pleasing you?  I chose the latter and got a squeal and a hug for my effort - or a fist bump, or a glowing face and full on grin - depending on the level of physical touching the child's disability allowed for.  It was worth the stress of what the treats were going to do to my scale efforts. I seriously LOVE my job!)  Ok - so now the important tidbit I learned:  I need to eat more.  I know, it sounds crazy.  When trying to lose weight, you're supposed to eat LESS< right?  However, for the past month, I have gained and lost the same frustrating ten pounds and have seriously been considering physically harming my scale.  But this week, I didn't get the regular intense exercise I normally do.  I wasn't as strict in my dieting efforts as I usually am - meaning I actually had carbs and sugar and all things delicious. And I didn't weigh myself at all this week because I knew, I  just KNEW, it was going to send me into a suicidal depression the likes of which only Ben and Jerry could pull me out of and I didn't want to start that cycle again.  But, I bit the bullet and stepped on my enemy today.


And I have lost five pounds in one week.

This five pounds has finally, FINALLY, finally put me under a goal I have been trying to reach all fricken year.  And I am seriously doing a happy snoopy dance today.

Someone told me once, along this crazy journey, that I needed to watch not only that I didn't take too much in but that I also didn't take in too little.  The body is a funny thing in how it works.  It's crazy and complicated and I am pretty sure mine is even crazier and more complicated than most (because that's just how my luck runs).  But, whatever, I cracked a code this week and think I am on to something.

And no, I am not giving up the gym - I know that's good for me and I only have 2 work days left before I am on summer vacation.  But, I am going to increase my caloric intake a bit and maybe add in more carbs - but not the cookies and cream variety so much as the good ones like whole grains and more veggies than just lettuce and tomatoes and cucumbers.  Heck, I might even go crazy and add in some strawberries.  I know, I know - you're saying "Whoa there, you'd better slow down, girl.  That's just crazy!"

But one thing I've learned this week is maybe I need to experiment more.  I am also learning that patience IS a virtue and I need to have a little more.  It didn't all go on overnight, it's not going to come off the same, either.  Even though I wish it would.  
   

give me strength

True story - I had myself talked out of the gym by the time I was done with work this afternoon.  It was kind of a crap day, the kids I work with were in an uproar most of the day, one of the other teachers had a major attitude problem, I was thoroughly exhausted and still super sore from yesterday's workout.  Really, I just wanted to go home and veg in front of my lap top with some tea in the peace and quiet of my house for a bit before I went to pick up the kids.

And then, on the way home, there is a turn I need to take.  If I take it, I get on the interstate and go home.  If I keep going straight, I end up at the gym.  I couldn't get into the other lane because some jackhole kept speeding up and slowing down, thereby eliminating any space or chance I had to get over.  After mentally flipping him off, I kept going straight after I missed the turn onto the 229 and ended up at the gym.

My body is seriously pissed at me and I don't think I will be able to walk tomorrow.  I haven't been to a strength training class since my original ten week challenge (when I went to the gym before, I was only going to the kickboxing classes.  Because, well, those damn strength training classes are HARD!) and it was TOUGH.  It was lower body today.  My thighs and ass still haven't quit burning and the class ended 3 hours ago.  When I bent over to take dinner out of the oven, I am pretty sure I strained something.

However, I don't really regret going.  Sure, I hurt.  BUT, I was reminded during the class by a screaming instructor trying to encourage us to work harder that strength training is just as important as cardio.  And the lower body days burn more calories than any kickboxing class ever could since the largest muscles in our bodies are worked.

Do I regret going?  nope.  And I need to remember that.  However, I might regret it in the morning when I can't get out of bed.

New Year, New Plan

Hm, it's been a while since I've checked in.  And, I suppose since I am going all out this year to make sure I get ALL of this damn weight off, I should update.

Firstly - I finished the first 10 weeks of Farrell's and did extremely well.  I was so pleased with my results - how much stronger I became, how much better I felt about myself.  And the weight I lost helped a BUNCH.

Secondly - I signed a one year contract with Farrell's at the end of my ten week challenge and then promptly fell off the wagon.  And by that, I mean, I fell off, got drug behind for several weeks until someone finally cut me loose.

Thirdly - when I was cut loose, I did horrible, terrible despicable to my body -  things that we won't discuss here.  We'll just say those 25 pounds I lost are back in the game and need to be lost.  A-freaking-gain.  argh.

Fourthly - I caught up with the wagon train and they are willing to let me jump back on.  I did that today.

Can I just say that going back to the gym in week five of a ten week challenge sucks?  You see, the ten week challenges start off slow and then build your strength and stamina over the course of the challenge.  At the end of the challenge, there is about 3 weeks of crazy high impact kick boxing and uber psycho sessions of strength training before the next challenge starts again, at a slower pace and then building up again.  This works for several reason:  mainly that your body has to keep guessing where you are going with your exercise.  AND you are defining and toning your muscles, rather than bulking up like a muscle head while losing the fat.  I like this. I like the classes. I like the challenge.  But o. . . . m . . . . g!  When you don't go for a couple of months and then just jump right back into the program mid-challenge, your body pretty much screams at you throughout the entire class and then, once you get into you car to drive home, it laughs hysterically and maniacally while refusing to allow your arms to lift high enough to grasp the steering wheel or your feet to move from the brake to the gas pedal.  Let's not talk about how I got home.  Right now, my legs are groaning and moaning and I am pretty sure I heard a curse word or two a few seconds ago after the threat of leaving me for someone else.  Bastards.

Fifthly - I am back on the 17 day diet.  I am not following it STRICTLY, but I am following it very closely.  I had such great success with it before, I want to see those results again.

And finally, I started a new Facebook page to hopefully try and keep me accountable and motivate me.  With that page, I plan to keep track of my exercise AND what I eat everyday.  Well, maybe not EVERY thing I eat, but if I have some good recipes to share, I will and if I misbehave and do naughty things to myself (gutter minds!!  I mean things like eat a chocolate and peanut butter cup the size of my garage. Or drink my weight in Coca Cola.)  So, anyway, I will probably be blogging more, I will definitely be using my FB page often.  Feel free to share it.  I have this idea in my head that the more people I have looking on, the more pressured I will feel to finally just get off my fat ass and make it not so fat anymore.

It's an idea, and well, let's just hope it works.

It hurts

I signed up for Farrell's Extreme Body shaping last week.  It's an exercise and nutrition program that is INTENSE.  It lasts ten weeks.  There are six days of exercise a week, with a free day on Sundays/  The results I have seen is the main reason I signed up.  And let me just tell  you, if I make it through the next ten weeks, I will have survived the biggest war on weight loss I have ever declared.

The testing was this past Saturday and my first class was yesterday.  I could barely move this morning.  But, I took a bunch of Advil and showed up to my class tonight.  Right now, my lower body is SCREAMING at me.  My abs, my thighs, my calves, and my ass are so pissed at me, they are attempting to remove themselves from my torso in the most painful way possible.

But I will show up to class tomorrow.  And the next day.  And the day after that.  And every damn day I am required to be there.  Because this program is expensive.  And the results are extraordinary.  And I am damn sick and tired of being fat and out of shape.

Now, if I can just get the nutrition part of it down, I will have it in the bag.  It's confusing, what I can and can't eat.  So, I think I may just go back to the 17 day diet.  That was working for me and, combined with this exercise regime, I plan on looking at a really hot Kama in ten weeks.

Watch me shrink.

He wonders why I call him Prince Charming

I just had an interesting text conversation with my hubby.


Me: I think I want to sign up for the next 10 week challenge with Farrells.
Prince Charming: ok
Me: wait . . . really?
PC: if you promise to commit 100%, no excuses - yes, really.
Me: but, it's really expensive
PC: yeah. so  you better be committed.
Me: really?


At this point, you should probably start filling out your nominations for my husband's sainthood application.


PC:  Yes. really. Take the checkbook and get it done punk ass.


So, maybe just a really minor sainthood would be ok.  I mean, saints don't call their wives punk ass, do they?  Wait . . . . do saints even have wives?  Are they allowed to get married?  Poor saints.


Me:  Ok, I called and had to leave a message for them to call me back.  I mean, I don't even know if they have room for me and I will probably not even pass the test to get into the program andit's really a lot of money and what if I don't do well and I think I am hyperventilating.
\
PC: you can do this, babe.  I believe in you.  You are going to be fine.  Don't they have a $1k prize if you win or something at the end?


Me: more hyperventilating here.


PC: You can keep every penny of it WHEN you win.


I love this man.  He just gave me almost $400 to join a ten week intensive exercise program.  And by intensive, I mean even fit people who exercise all of the time have trouble moving the first few weeks.  I may die, but at least my headstone can say "she tried".  So, yeah, just waiting to get a phone call and then I am totally signing up for the biggest beating my body will ever have been through.  Willingly.  


That mother trucking scale better not disappoint me.


If you're wondering if they have a Farrell's near you (or are just wondering what the deal is about the program), check out their site:  http://www.extremebodyshaping.com/

Slacker

I know I have been slacking on keeping up on this blog.  I also know you are majorly surprised by this fact.  (insert sarcastic chuckle here).

What you should know, and should be damn proud of, is that I have NOT been slacking on my weight loss.  I have kept up with exercising.  I even started a new diet.  And it is amaaaaaaaaaaazing grace.  No, seriously, it's the end all, beat all, wonder of wonders of all diets.  I love it.

What I love more?
                                                                         

The results.  

Yup, in laymen's terms, this diet works . . . if you follow it to the letter.  I don't care what people say about this part of the diet seeming shady or that part of the diet not being quite right.  Here's what I know:  the diet was created by a doctor and based off of the South Beach Diet (which I have successfully used in the past).  This doctor is an actual MD.  I looked up his credentials.  They are real.  I figure he kind of knows what he is talking about.  He gives this diet to his patients.  He actually exercises with his patients.  And there are lots of success stories all over the internet of people losing weight and keeping it off for YEARS with this diet.

Of course, there are also lots of people dissing the program, saying it doesn't work, it's a modified South Beach, etc, etc, etc.  Well, I tried it.  I followed it to the letter.  I am the kind of person that needs things spelled out.  A "this is what you will eat at this meal on this day" kind of deal.  And this diet has that for those that need it.  For those that don't need it, there are guidelines and lists of foods allowed in each cycle.  And I don't care how similar to the South Beach diet it is, this diet gave me what I needed.  Namely: a 24 pound weight loss in 7 days.

Yes, you read that correctly.  24 pounds in 7 days.

Is that right?  Yes.  24 pounds in 7 days.  Will you see the same results?  Maybe. But remember, I have a LOT more weight to lose than your average person.  I am extremely obese.  I hit my highest weight ever on December 31, 2011.  I weighed even more than I did at 9 months pregnant with my youngest son, who was 11 pounds at birth.  I was humiliated and destroyed by the scale's numbers.  I am still humiliated and won't say what those numbers are, but I can tell you that I am closer to getting under 300 pounds than I have been in years.  And I can't tell you how happy I am about that.

24 pounds in 7 days.

Is it water weight?  Probably.  But, you know what?  That water weight has been weighing my scale (and ME!) down for years now.  It's not showing up on the scale any more.  And that does two things:  first, it makes me ecstatically happy and I tend to jump around saying things like "booyah, baby - fifty pounds this year, bitches!" and other rather inane and childish things that make me giddy and happy and smile with a huge toothy grin.  Secondly, like the good doctor says - water weight is just as bad for you as fatty weight.  And now it's gone.  gone.  gone.

And, in case you missed it - yes, I have lost a grand total of fifty pounds since January 1.  Not only that, but I reached my goal/resolution to lose fifty pounds by my wedding anniversary (which happens on June 30th).

New goal? Ten more pounds before my wedding anniversary.  Can I do it?  Last week, I would have said no.  This week - I say I bet I do another 20.

So, you may not hear from me for weeks on end.  I may not post for months and months.  But that doesn't mean I haven't been busy.  I have been . . . busy losing weight.

OH!  And for those of you curious as to what diet has given me these amazing results?  The 17 Day Diet by Dr. Mike Moreno.  Get both the diet book and the cookbook.  And then watch yourself disappear.  As another side note, I will mention that I have NOT been feeding my kids anything different than what I am eating.  I do add more carbs for them (like bread/tortillas/brown rice), because they are growing boys and need those.  But, otherwise, they eat what I eat.  And they LOVE it.  I have never gotten more compliments on my meals than I do with these.  And they don't seem to be as hungry throughout the day as they usually are, insisting on a snack every twenty minutes.  Instead, they eat about every two or three hours, like I do.  So maybe this healthy eating plan isn't just good for me.  Seems it's good for my family, as well.

Finally . . . . .

fifty pounds, cha cha cha
fifty pounds boooooooyah!

(I like to shake my booty, grin like a madwoman, and wave my arms around as I spin in a circle and sing this, lol)

ERGHHHHH

The title?  That's my self confidence choking.

I've done pretty well with the challenge thus far, getting in at least 30 minutes of exercise every day.  Well, not Saturday, but I made up for it on Sunday.  (Little humorous side note here, I often mistype Sunday as Sinday.  Coincidence?  probably not.)  This weekend was BUSY for me.  Not only did I have to work, but I had my boys home for a four day weekend.  Which means my sleep deprivation increases.  And, while I am normally a bit of an insomniac, going from around 4 hours of sleep a night to, um, none, is brutal.  So, Saturday my butt was officially kicked and I had other family things going on and I just didn't make it to the gym. I made up for it Sunday.

And then there was tonight.  Prince Charming tells me to go first.  He wants to work out extra hard tonight with the weights in addition to his running.  It was totally fine with me.  I got all suited up (and by that, I mean, I took my jeans off and replaced them with my ratty gray yoga pants and then changed my sweater for a bright pink t-shirt.  Trust me, it's a hot look.  If you're going for that whole overweight eyesore kind of thing), got my gear (kindle, ipod, phone) all gathered together and headed for the gym.  When I pulled in and saw the parking lot full of large, souped up trucks that may or may not be symbols of something they are trying to replace in life (see me judging here?  No?  Look closer.  I am.  It's how I know they are doing the same thing when they see me in my cute little soccer mom SUV and my huge ass jiggling eyesore outfit wearing horror when I walk in - trust me - it happens), I got a little nervous.  I know these trucks.  And I know who drives them.  ugh.

I pulled into a parking space and peered through the huge plate glass windows (and seriously, people - WHY do gyms have to have huge plate glass windows?  Some people may enjoy the world watching them work out.  Most people would prefer to keep that kind of thing private. Well, as private as going to a public gym to meet and defend and conquer your inner demons can be.  Look, just let me sweat tears of blood and fat in my solitary corner over here.  Facing the wall.  The entire town doesn't need to know how brutal and unattractive I look while doing it.  So - if any of you are planning on building gyms in the future - just a quick note - no plate glass widows.)  So anyway, I was staring into these huge windows to the soul and I saw that yes, in fact, the owners of said trucks were, indeed, there instead of the overweight ugly wives, elderly spinster aunts, or, perhaps even a bloated, blind cousin as I had hoped had borrowed the trucks for a "Try it out at Tryon Gym" kind of evening.

Damn.

Instead, I saw the overly muscled grunter guys I often see there.  You know the type.  They wear ripped t-shirts to better display the obscene amounts of muscles that ripple as they move.  The challenge each other on who can lift the most weight.  They slap each other on the rear end and grunt and make a lot of noise as they work out.  They sweat, they swear, and they . . . . stare.  Usually, they come in twos or threes.  It's uncomfortable and I hate it, but I try to ignore them and go to my solitary little corner for my work out.  Tonight - they had come in full pack.  Nine trucks in the parking lot.  Twelve guys with too many muscles and too much spare time between sets to observe and silently mock the fatty in the corner were in the gym.

Double Damn.

My self confidence choked.  I'm not going to make an excuse.  I'm not even going to feel bad about it.  If you are as large and jiggly as I am, you would have done the same damn thing I did.  And that is:  you text your husband.  Explain the sitch.  And then hightail your ass back home.

Prince Charming often asks why I call him that.  He doesn't see what I see.  He thinks all of his princely charming characteristics that make him my Prince Charming are in my head.  But, if you know him or ever meet him, you will agree - I married an really awesome guy.  When I got home, he met me at the door, all dressed and ready for his work out.  He kissed me on the forehead, told me he loved me and then said - "I'll go first and scare the big bad wolves away.  When I get back, you can go.  It should be empty by then.  And, if it's not, don't use the gym.  Take Crazy Chloe for a walk around town.  I'll stay awake until you get home, whatever you decide."  No judging.  No censure.  Just acceptance of my freakishly odd phobia of being watched and judged by fit people while I work out and a smooch on the forehead.  I love him.

And when he got back, he told me he had kept his promise and slayed my dragons.  Ok, really he just said they were gone and the gym was empty now.  And then he told me he loved me and he knew I was stronger than letting a simple little thing as, and I quote, "some jocked up meatheads chase you away from your dream".  Did I mention that I love him?

So, I went.  And while I worked out, I discovered several things about myself.  First and foremost, a thing of which I am most proud - I can "run" a mile on the elliptical.  My body hates me right now, but I did it.  Secondly, Prince Charming is right.  This is MY dream and I AM stronger than those jocked up meatheads. Or, I will be.  In another fifty pounds or so.  Probably more like 100, but we'll take it pound by pound.  Until then, the third thing I learned is that I am a middle of the night working out kind of girl if I can't make the gym while my boys are in school or, like today, there is no school.  And so,  until I feel ready to slay dragons on my own, I will continue to let my Prince Charming do it for me.  And then scamper in behind him for my own private dragon slaying.

Motivation Required

I really suck at this blogging thing. And the losing weight thing.  And the exercise thing.  Especially the exercise thing.

So, here I am, like 3 months after my last post, updating that no, the scale has not moved much (well, it moves up and up and down again, but I am pretty much at the same weight I was at the point of my last post) and yes, I am frustrated at my lack of commitment.  This is supposed to be my year, the year I finally get this weight off.  It WILL be my year!

My problem isn't that I eat too much.  It isn't even that I eat bad foods.  My problem is exercise right now.  I hate to be hot.  I hate to sweat.  I hate, hate, hate moving in ways that makes my body jiggle in mortifying the public can see my body jiggling ways.  I have a gym membership I never use.  It's nice enough out I could even walk the dog around the block.  But I don't.  Jeebus, I am so frustrated with myself.

I realize it's a problem, this lack of commitment/no desire whatsoever to exercise kind of problem.  I need to just get over it.  But the problem is HOW do I get over it?  HOW do I focus on my insecurities, smooth them over and get my fat ass moving.  It doesn't have to be in the gym, I just need to freaking MOVE.  I was reading a few articles this morning.  Ironically, the articles were filled with low GI crock pot recipes I have been thinking about trying and NOT about exercise.  I stumbled across this blog and came up with a brilliant plan.  That blog is a little too religious for my tastes, so I really just skimmed through it briefly (because it was going to make my eyes bleed with all the Praise Jesusing) to get the basics. And then I had a light bulb moment.

I don't need to wait until the New Year to start this.  I don't even need a partner in crime, though it would help me with my accountability.  And so . . . I have challenged my husband.  And, I challenge anyone who decides to read this, whether you read it today or ten years from now.

The challenge?

For the next thirty days, I will exercise every. single. day.  Not just a simple going up and down the stairs hauling laundry kind of exercise, either.  Oh no.  This challenge involves the actual breaking of sweat.  Getting up off my ass and out of the house kind of exercise.  Raising my heart rate and keeping it there for at least thirty minutes every day.  Someone, namely Prince Charming, will have to actually see me red in the face, body fat jiggling, sweat dripping disgustingly off my chin to prove I completed the daily challenge.  And, if I make it the thirty days, I am going to keep extending it to another thirty.  I hope to blog about how it goes every day.  But, well, let's be honest.  I don't have a great track record here.  The challenge starts today.

Oh yeah - the consequences.  Besides remaining fat, uncomfortable, and miserable forever and ever, for any day that I FAIL to meet the challenge,  I have to do double the time the next day.  If I miss two days in a row, then that third day will be brutal exercising for an hour and a half. Each day missed means I have to add on the time to the next time I exercise.  It also means I fail the challenge and have to start all over again.

I've never passed a challenge yet.  I hope I get through this one.  Because my girlfriend is getting married at the end of August.  In Vegas.  And I have been promised a plane ticket AND $500 party/shopping/gambling money if I can lose fifty pounds by then.  Prince Charming lops off $100 for each ten pounds I don't lose to make my goal.  I have a lot of work to do.

Delicious

I just made the MOST DELICIOUS sandwich spread evah.

Fun fact: there are 57 calories in 1 tbsp of mayonnaise. And they aren't good calories, either. But mayo is nummy and it makes your sandwiches palatable, right?

I REALLY wanted a ham sandwich today. I today is my high calorie day (I am working with an adjustable caloric intake diet right now - a few days high calorie, a few medium calorie, a few very low calorie - trying to fool my body into burning more during those medium and low calorie days. It's working, so I am sticking to it.) Anyway - I digress.

It's a high calorie day. I wanted a ham sandwich like nothing else, but I wanted to try and make it a bit healthier. more vitamins and goodness, rather than all that processed crap between a couple of pieces of bread.

I have a bowl full of avocados in my kitchen. I ADORE avocados. If you don't like them, this isn't a recipe for you (and frankly, what is WRONG with you??? Avocados are pure deliciousness!) So, I took an avocado and thought . . . why can't I make this into something for my sammy? And I did. And it was sooooooo good, I could have just eaten that for lunch. But, I resisted, and just used a tablespoon of it on the bread and had simply the most amazing sandwich I have had in a very long time.

I will definitely be making it again and again. The amount of vitamin C I just boosted my sandwiches with is worth it alone. But the best part?? A TBSP of my spread is only 47 calories. It's only shaving 10 calories off, sure, but those calories add up. And the fact that I made a change in my regular habits is even more amazing. Truly, this week, I am impressing myself.

I uploaded the recipe to sparkpeople. Here's the link: http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=1951525

Weigh In Wednesday

I almost didn't post this today. Because the results are so unbelievable. Because I am still in shock myself. Because I thought no one would believe me.

But then I thought - you know what? I have WORKED for this. Screw the disbelievers. Screw the naysayers and that's impossibles. They don't know what' it's like to be so miserable in your own skin that you would do ANYTHING to feel comfortable again. They don't live my life, they aren't me, and they have NO IDEA how hard this year has been for me in my pursuit for weight loss and a healthier lifestyle. The girl who used to eat fast food a couple of times a DAY on the weekends, and probably once or twice during the week, as well. The girl who drank around 32 ounces of Coke a day. The fat girl who hid her pain and sorrow in processed fats, high sugar snacks, and then drowned them all in butter. And then had a cigarette or five after.

Yeah, it doesn't take a genius to figure out how I got to be as big as I am. But I am changing that. I am still making changes. It's so very hard some days. So screw any of the defeatists and killjoys who will roll their eyes and raise their brows in disbelief, pat the fat girl on the head and say "sure honey, believe what you will".

Because, I DID IT!!

I cut out Coca Cola. I cut WAY down on sugar. I quit eating out every other day. In fact, I quit eating out at all. The one inch piece of birthday cake I had on my son's sixth birthday was the only piece of sugary deliciousness I have had in 18 days. Carbs are virtually non existent in my life these days, unless they come directly from Mother Nature. I have cut my calories to the bare minimum. Sticking with fruits, vegetables, and chicken or tuna.

I haven't been able to weigh myself on the scale at home because I was too fat. When I stepped on it, it flashed ERR at me. So, I have been using my starting weight based off of what I weighed at my last doctor's visit way back in August when I was sick. I added five pounds, because I just know me, and I was being easy on myself. It was probably more like ten. But it's a weight I will NEVER see again.

Why? You ask, with those arched eyebrows and a placating look on your face, ready to appease the chubby chick with a small smile while you inwardly think - yeah right. (and to that, I say - well, see above).

Because guess who stepped on the scale this morning with her heart in her throat and a hope on her lips?

This girl.

And guess who was so shocked, she repeated the process five more times?

This girl.

Guess who has lost 21.1 pounds since January 1???????

That's right . . . .

This girl.

Sleepy Saturday

I had to work last night and again tonight, which means this day is pretty much screwed. At least, that's the shitty excuse I am using right now. Instead of going to the gym, I lazed about in bed all day. But I am not going to make it a habit, I won't let it get me down, and, if Travis was home right now and I had someone to watch my boys, I would be at the gym right now. As it is, I need to shower and get ready for work.

But, I thought I would drop in with a quick update. Diet is going good. I am still keeping in or around 1200 calories a day and definitely no more than 1600. The no smoking thing sucks ass. The thing is, I like to smoke. I like the feeling of inhaling the delicious menthol tang and exhaling the smooth minty flavor. I like the calming feelings after I have a cig, and I like hanging out in the garage, by myself, with a book, smoking.

But, I know it's not healthy. I know all the risks and dangers. I have two small boys who mean the world to me and I know I am their world. The thought of them suffering because of my selfishness is devastating. The idea of leaving my kids in this world without me literally makes my heart race and my breaths come too fast. Who would stick up for them? Who would open their big ass mouth and take on the world for them if even the SLIGHTEST offense is made towards them? Who would snuggle under a heavy blankie for a morning to watch a movie? Who would remember to tell them they are beautiful and perfect and smart and wonderful every. single. day. ?

Yes, yes, I know they have a daddy. And he's an awesome daddy, too. But he's the one they go to for rough housing and putting cool toys together and playing video games and taking them out to fun boy places like the arcade and the race track. He ruffles their hair and calls them dorks, in that affectionate, dad kind of way, and tells him he loves them when he tucks them in at night with a smooch on the forehead and a quick "to the moon and back" before the light gets turned off. But, he's a dad. He gets frustrated easily. He doesn't have a lot of patience. My boys need patience. They need mommy here to tell daddy to go take a chill pill and let the boys be little, because it only happens once and it will be over all too soon.

And so, I quit smoking. And I have been E-V-I-L. I feel evil. I crave a cigarette like nothing else. On my way home from work this morning, I almost stopped at the gas station. For, like the billionth time this week. But, I stuck to my guns. I can do this. I will do this. I have to do this.

Supposedly, I am over the "craving" hump. The thing is, I have quit smoking before. Each time I got pregnant, I quit smoking. I never got over that "craving" hump. I wonder if I ever will?

Thoughtful Thursday

There, how's that for a gimmick?

So, here's some thoughts on this week.

First, I quit smoking. Right now, I would sell a child for a cigarette right now. For the most part, I have been trying to keep a lid on my mood swings. However, my husband - who I love dearly most days and is really a funny guy who treats me like a queen when I don't really deserve such treatment - is probably going to end up stabbed in the eye with a fork if he doesn't learn to just sit next to me with his mouth closed. His sly smirks, his stupid jokes, his irritating voice when I am in the midst of a nic fit are going to earn him scars. Deep, hideously ugly scars. But, um, yeah, other than that, the whole not smoking thing sucks for me. I was tempted more than ever today to sneak off to the gas station to buy a pack, sneak back home, hide behind the garage and just take a teensy weensy little drag. But I didn't. And some day, I will be happy I didn't. Right now, I am not happy. I just want a damn smoke.

Second, I quit Coca Cola. If you know me, you know I am a caffeine addict and my favorite vice is Coke. I drink, on average, at least 32 ounces a day. And I wonder why I am fat, right? Anyway, I gave up the coke. And anything with caffeine in it, actually. I am surprised to report that I have not had any headaches. Maybe because I am so focused on wanting a cigarette, the physical withdrawals of caffeine haven't effected me yet. Or maybe it's everything else effecting me and the caffeine stuff is just whispers in the wind in comparison. Of course, it could also be that today was day three of all my quits and before I actually murdered a live being within my vicinity, I made myself some iced tea. Which totally screwed over my other quit - I will tell you about that in a minute - but it soothed the nerves. I felt better. And, though it's supposed to be hard work and blah blah blah - I know if I don't give in to myself just a wee bit, not only are people going to get hurt, but I will quit, light up a smoke, fill up a coke and go back to where I was a week ago. So, iced tea, 2 quarts with a quarter cup of sugar mixed into the lot - if that's what it takes to keep me out of jail, well, let's give this girl a break, huh?

Third - I quit refined sugar. No sugar at. all. Until today, that is. But hey, like I said, I don't need bail money, so let's keep this little failure on the DL, mmmkay?

Fourth - I quit carbs. Not all carbs, just the bad white ones that are made in a factory or, maybe they are made in nature, but some idiot factory owner started adding chemicals and washes and dyes to the lot until it no longer resembled food. Those kind of carbs I gave up. the kind found in yummy fruits and veggies are all over the place in my kitchen right now.

Fifth - I started a detox. Yeah, it lasted three days. Besides the heartburn, the gas, the horrible weak, shaky feeling and the mild headache, it went great. I told the detox fairy to go screw herself this morning and made myself that shake you read about earlier. Mama was much happier after that.

And finally - I started to exercise again. In the deepest darkest parts of night, when the gym is completely empty and no one is there to witness my humiliation and shame - I am there, on the elliptical and trying a few of the weight machines. I made it once this week. I would have gone tonight, but I met up with a friend and, with this gorgeous weather we are enjoying, we walked the track behind the school while out kids played on the playground. I lasted 45 minutes and made it 5 times around. Not bad, if I do say so myself. My goal is to make it to the gym tomorrow morning. I have a while blog post prepared for the fears and phobias I have o going during the day. And you will get to see that post, soon probably. Because I have to work tomorrow night, which means, to get a gym spot in, I have to go in the morning.

My heart burn is back.

Try It Thursday

Or something like that. I wanted to dedicate one day a week to a new recipe or exercise and then let you know all about it. I might do it Tuesdays instead, though. Not that it matters, really. It all works out in the end, right?

Okay, so today, I tried this recipe: http://www.chiquitabananas.com/Banana-Recipes/Banana-Oatmeal-Smoothie-recipe.aspx. Basically, it's a banana oatmeal smoothie. BUT, being me, I couldn't leave well enough alone. And I am kind of glad I didn't. I don't think I would have liked the original version as much as I adore my version.

First, I set my blender up and then I added the oatmeal - dry, not cooked because cooked oatmeal makes me squirmy and jittery, it's just that gross.

Then, I threw in a couple of bananas, not over ripe, and I broke them into a few pieces when I threw them in there. Since my third cup was dirty, I used a quarter cup of Yoplait Plain yogurt. Then, I added a few good splashes of vanilla, a teensy (and I mean teensy, more like a drop or two) splash of almond extract.

Now, because I am lazy, I didn't measure the ice. I took a big ole glass from my cupboard, switch the ice machine on my fridge to crushed, and filled the glass up. Then I dumped it into the blender on top of all my other ingredients.

Then I got an inspiration and added some honey. Probably about a tablespoon. I never measure when I create in the kitchen, so everything is always approximate. If you are a die hard have to measure things or you refuse to cook, my modified recipes will drive you insane. Skip them in the future.

Ok, so once I got all that into the blender, I turned it on the highest power and hit pulse. Nothing happened. So, I hit the "run" button. Still nothing. Oh, the blades were going around, but nothing was moving. It was almost as if I had choked the thing up. Or something. Anyway, my instant solution was to add more liquid. So, I grabbed my skim milk and threw in a few splashes while using a butter knife to move the ice further down into the machine. Ran it again, and then hit pulse. That did the trick. After a few pulses of mixing, it was all done. The whole thing more than fills a 32 ounce cup.

It's not the most delicious thing on the planet. However, for the past three days, I have eaten nothing but pickles, cabbage soup, and water. To me, this thing is a little slice of heaven right now. My youngest guy tried it and thought it was "pwetty yummy".

Next time, I think I will add more honey and yogurt and a little less ice. I may even try it with a scoop or two of peanut butter. Or strawberries. This is one of those recipes you can have a little fun playing with and I look forward to playing with it a lot. It will probably become a staple meal in this weight loss journey of mine.

So, I guess that means it's good, huh?

The down and dirty - it took about ten minutes to make. When I entered all of the ingredients I used into the www.myfitnesspal.com recipe builder, it came out to be 435 calories, 101 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fat, 11 grams of protein, 9 grams of fiber, and 56 grams of sugar. Now, while that might seem like a lot of calories, if you are restricting yourself to a 1200 calorie diet like I am, I can say that the rest of my day will be filled with cabbage soup and pickles. So, like I said before, this is heeeeeaaaaaven to me right now.

Bon appetit.

Wake Up Call

I know I should post this for a Motivation Monday, but since I am starting today, and I have been updating the blog because of the changes I am making, I just realized I started this blog five months ago.

When I started this blog, I weighed in at 337 pounds. Had I averaged a 10 pound per month weight loss (which is more than acceptable and doable for me, IMHO), I would be fifty pounds lighter right now.

Fifty freaking pounds.

287.

And while that is still a large number to so many of you, it would mean so very much to me to weigh 287. It would mean no longer weighing somewhere in the 300's. It would mean having more jeans to wear than the single pair that fits me right now. It would me FIFTY FREAKING POUNDS LESS.

Instead, five months later, I think I gained fifty pounds. Ok, maybe not quite fifty, but my scale can't weigh me anymore, so I have gained more than I thought i had and am most likely at my highest weight ever. Even if I am not sure, exactly, how much that weight is.

So, here's looking to five months ahead and being fifty pounds less. Because, looking back at the past five months, I sure do wish I could have devoted myself more and lost the fifty pounds instead of being where I am right now. And that, right there, is my motivation.

I'm Doing This

Because I am more than a number. And that blasted number is no longer going to control my life, my marriage, my self. But really, here's why:

It's not happening in the dark anymore . . . well, it won't. Some day. . .

New year . . . New Me?

I know I have posted all of these "this is it, I am going to do this and here's how" posts since I started this blog several months ago. I have also posted some pretty mind numbing excuse posts, some petty complaint posts, and generally just not posted at all. And here are the results: I now am at my highest weight ever. I have done nothing to lose weight. not. one. damn. thing.

It's depressing.

It's mortifying.

It's ugly. Very ugly.

It's jiggly and soft.

It's humiliating.

It's close your eyes and get undressed in the dark and pray your husband never sees you naked - ever - let alone want to touch you because you are so gross kind of embarrassing. Even when he tells you that you are beautiful and lovely and the woman he married is who you are inside and that is who he loves - you still close your eyes and get undressed in the dark and pray he never sees you naked - ever - let alone want to touch you because you are so gross kind of embarrassing.

When he does touch you, you pray and hope and plead with any deity who might be listening that he keeps his eyes closed and the room dark and he doesn't feel the fat shifting and jiggling and moving around in so many disgusting ways while you try, very hard, to enjoy what the two of you are sharing in your most intimate moments while at the same time just wanting the whole thing to be over, the end of your humiliation, your embarrassment, your feelings of unattractiveness and the fact that it is all. your. fault.

And, I could curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out, bemoaning my metabolism and my lack of energy and the fact that just thinking about exercising makes my thighs ache.

Or

Or

Or

I could get off of my fat, very lazy ass and do something about it.

It's January 3. For the billionth and first time in my life, I am going to try and lose weight.

I have about 200 pounds to lose (no, that is not a typo). I need motivation. I need support. I have this blog that will probably see some pretty ugly things in the future. If you're interested . . . if you want to witness my mortifyigly embarrassing humiliation as I try, probably in vain, to release the skinny bitch SCREAMING to get out of me, then come back. I will probably have cookies. Most fat girls do.