Delicious

I just made the MOST DELICIOUS sandwich spread evah.

Fun fact: there are 57 calories in 1 tbsp of mayonnaise. And they aren't good calories, either. But mayo is nummy and it makes your sandwiches palatable, right?

I REALLY wanted a ham sandwich today. I today is my high calorie day (I am working with an adjustable caloric intake diet right now - a few days high calorie, a few medium calorie, a few very low calorie - trying to fool my body into burning more during those medium and low calorie days. It's working, so I am sticking to it.) Anyway - I digress.

It's a high calorie day. I wanted a ham sandwich like nothing else, but I wanted to try and make it a bit healthier. more vitamins and goodness, rather than all that processed crap between a couple of pieces of bread.

I have a bowl full of avocados in my kitchen. I ADORE avocados. If you don't like them, this isn't a recipe for you (and frankly, what is WRONG with you??? Avocados are pure deliciousness!) So, I took an avocado and thought . . . why can't I make this into something for my sammy? And I did. And it was sooooooo good, I could have just eaten that for lunch. But, I resisted, and just used a tablespoon of it on the bread and had simply the most amazing sandwich I have had in a very long time.

I will definitely be making it again and again. The amount of vitamin C I just boosted my sandwiches with is worth it alone. But the best part?? A TBSP of my spread is only 47 calories. It's only shaving 10 calories off, sure, but those calories add up. And the fact that I made a change in my regular habits is even more amazing. Truly, this week, I am impressing myself.

I uploaded the recipe to sparkpeople. Here's the link: http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=1951525

Weigh In Wednesday

I almost didn't post this today. Because the results are so unbelievable. Because I am still in shock myself. Because I thought no one would believe me.

But then I thought - you know what? I have WORKED for this. Screw the disbelievers. Screw the naysayers and that's impossibles. They don't know what' it's like to be so miserable in your own skin that you would do ANYTHING to feel comfortable again. They don't live my life, they aren't me, and they have NO IDEA how hard this year has been for me in my pursuit for weight loss and a healthier lifestyle. The girl who used to eat fast food a couple of times a DAY on the weekends, and probably once or twice during the week, as well. The girl who drank around 32 ounces of Coke a day. The fat girl who hid her pain and sorrow in processed fats, high sugar snacks, and then drowned them all in butter. And then had a cigarette or five after.

Yeah, it doesn't take a genius to figure out how I got to be as big as I am. But I am changing that. I am still making changes. It's so very hard some days. So screw any of the defeatists and killjoys who will roll their eyes and raise their brows in disbelief, pat the fat girl on the head and say "sure honey, believe what you will".

Because, I DID IT!!

I cut out Coca Cola. I cut WAY down on sugar. I quit eating out every other day. In fact, I quit eating out at all. The one inch piece of birthday cake I had on my son's sixth birthday was the only piece of sugary deliciousness I have had in 18 days. Carbs are virtually non existent in my life these days, unless they come directly from Mother Nature. I have cut my calories to the bare minimum. Sticking with fruits, vegetables, and chicken or tuna.

I haven't been able to weigh myself on the scale at home because I was too fat. When I stepped on it, it flashed ERR at me. So, I have been using my starting weight based off of what I weighed at my last doctor's visit way back in August when I was sick. I added five pounds, because I just know me, and I was being easy on myself. It was probably more like ten. But it's a weight I will NEVER see again.

Why? You ask, with those arched eyebrows and a placating look on your face, ready to appease the chubby chick with a small smile while you inwardly think - yeah right. (and to that, I say - well, see above).

Because guess who stepped on the scale this morning with her heart in her throat and a hope on her lips?

This girl.

And guess who was so shocked, she repeated the process five more times?

This girl.

Guess who has lost 21.1 pounds since January 1???????

That's right . . . .

This girl.

Sleepy Saturday

I had to work last night and again tonight, which means this day is pretty much screwed. At least, that's the shitty excuse I am using right now. Instead of going to the gym, I lazed about in bed all day. But I am not going to make it a habit, I won't let it get me down, and, if Travis was home right now and I had someone to watch my boys, I would be at the gym right now. As it is, I need to shower and get ready for work.

But, I thought I would drop in with a quick update. Diet is going good. I am still keeping in or around 1200 calories a day and definitely no more than 1600. The no smoking thing sucks ass. The thing is, I like to smoke. I like the feeling of inhaling the delicious menthol tang and exhaling the smooth minty flavor. I like the calming feelings after I have a cig, and I like hanging out in the garage, by myself, with a book, smoking.

But, I know it's not healthy. I know all the risks and dangers. I have two small boys who mean the world to me and I know I am their world. The thought of them suffering because of my selfishness is devastating. The idea of leaving my kids in this world without me literally makes my heart race and my breaths come too fast. Who would stick up for them? Who would open their big ass mouth and take on the world for them if even the SLIGHTEST offense is made towards them? Who would snuggle under a heavy blankie for a morning to watch a movie? Who would remember to tell them they are beautiful and perfect and smart and wonderful every. single. day. ?

Yes, yes, I know they have a daddy. And he's an awesome daddy, too. But he's the one they go to for rough housing and putting cool toys together and playing video games and taking them out to fun boy places like the arcade and the race track. He ruffles their hair and calls them dorks, in that affectionate, dad kind of way, and tells him he loves them when he tucks them in at night with a smooch on the forehead and a quick "to the moon and back" before the light gets turned off. But, he's a dad. He gets frustrated easily. He doesn't have a lot of patience. My boys need patience. They need mommy here to tell daddy to go take a chill pill and let the boys be little, because it only happens once and it will be over all too soon.

And so, I quit smoking. And I have been E-V-I-L. I feel evil. I crave a cigarette like nothing else. On my way home from work this morning, I almost stopped at the gas station. For, like the billionth time this week. But, I stuck to my guns. I can do this. I will do this. I have to do this.

Supposedly, I am over the "craving" hump. The thing is, I have quit smoking before. Each time I got pregnant, I quit smoking. I never got over that "craving" hump. I wonder if I ever will?

Thoughtful Thursday

There, how's that for a gimmick?

So, here's some thoughts on this week.

First, I quit smoking. Right now, I would sell a child for a cigarette right now. For the most part, I have been trying to keep a lid on my mood swings. However, my husband - who I love dearly most days and is really a funny guy who treats me like a queen when I don't really deserve such treatment - is probably going to end up stabbed in the eye with a fork if he doesn't learn to just sit next to me with his mouth closed. His sly smirks, his stupid jokes, his irritating voice when I am in the midst of a nic fit are going to earn him scars. Deep, hideously ugly scars. But, um, yeah, other than that, the whole not smoking thing sucks for me. I was tempted more than ever today to sneak off to the gas station to buy a pack, sneak back home, hide behind the garage and just take a teensy weensy little drag. But I didn't. And some day, I will be happy I didn't. Right now, I am not happy. I just want a damn smoke.

Second, I quit Coca Cola. If you know me, you know I am a caffeine addict and my favorite vice is Coke. I drink, on average, at least 32 ounces a day. And I wonder why I am fat, right? Anyway, I gave up the coke. And anything with caffeine in it, actually. I am surprised to report that I have not had any headaches. Maybe because I am so focused on wanting a cigarette, the physical withdrawals of caffeine haven't effected me yet. Or maybe it's everything else effecting me and the caffeine stuff is just whispers in the wind in comparison. Of course, it could also be that today was day three of all my quits and before I actually murdered a live being within my vicinity, I made myself some iced tea. Which totally screwed over my other quit - I will tell you about that in a minute - but it soothed the nerves. I felt better. And, though it's supposed to be hard work and blah blah blah - I know if I don't give in to myself just a wee bit, not only are people going to get hurt, but I will quit, light up a smoke, fill up a coke and go back to where I was a week ago. So, iced tea, 2 quarts with a quarter cup of sugar mixed into the lot - if that's what it takes to keep me out of jail, well, let's give this girl a break, huh?

Third - I quit refined sugar. No sugar at. all. Until today, that is. But hey, like I said, I don't need bail money, so let's keep this little failure on the DL, mmmkay?

Fourth - I quit carbs. Not all carbs, just the bad white ones that are made in a factory or, maybe they are made in nature, but some idiot factory owner started adding chemicals and washes and dyes to the lot until it no longer resembled food. Those kind of carbs I gave up. the kind found in yummy fruits and veggies are all over the place in my kitchen right now.

Fifth - I started a detox. Yeah, it lasted three days. Besides the heartburn, the gas, the horrible weak, shaky feeling and the mild headache, it went great. I told the detox fairy to go screw herself this morning and made myself that shake you read about earlier. Mama was much happier after that.

And finally - I started to exercise again. In the deepest darkest parts of night, when the gym is completely empty and no one is there to witness my humiliation and shame - I am there, on the elliptical and trying a few of the weight machines. I made it once this week. I would have gone tonight, but I met up with a friend and, with this gorgeous weather we are enjoying, we walked the track behind the school while out kids played on the playground. I lasted 45 minutes and made it 5 times around. Not bad, if I do say so myself. My goal is to make it to the gym tomorrow morning. I have a while blog post prepared for the fears and phobias I have o going during the day. And you will get to see that post, soon probably. Because I have to work tomorrow night, which means, to get a gym spot in, I have to go in the morning.

My heart burn is back.

Try It Thursday

Or something like that. I wanted to dedicate one day a week to a new recipe or exercise and then let you know all about it. I might do it Tuesdays instead, though. Not that it matters, really. It all works out in the end, right?

Okay, so today, I tried this recipe: http://www.chiquitabananas.com/Banana-Recipes/Banana-Oatmeal-Smoothie-recipe.aspx. Basically, it's a banana oatmeal smoothie. BUT, being me, I couldn't leave well enough alone. And I am kind of glad I didn't. I don't think I would have liked the original version as much as I adore my version.

First, I set my blender up and then I added the oatmeal - dry, not cooked because cooked oatmeal makes me squirmy and jittery, it's just that gross.

Then, I threw in a couple of bananas, not over ripe, and I broke them into a few pieces when I threw them in there. Since my third cup was dirty, I used a quarter cup of Yoplait Plain yogurt. Then, I added a few good splashes of vanilla, a teensy (and I mean teensy, more like a drop or two) splash of almond extract.

Now, because I am lazy, I didn't measure the ice. I took a big ole glass from my cupboard, switch the ice machine on my fridge to crushed, and filled the glass up. Then I dumped it into the blender on top of all my other ingredients.

Then I got an inspiration and added some honey. Probably about a tablespoon. I never measure when I create in the kitchen, so everything is always approximate. If you are a die hard have to measure things or you refuse to cook, my modified recipes will drive you insane. Skip them in the future.

Ok, so once I got all that into the blender, I turned it on the highest power and hit pulse. Nothing happened. So, I hit the "run" button. Still nothing. Oh, the blades were going around, but nothing was moving. It was almost as if I had choked the thing up. Or something. Anyway, my instant solution was to add more liquid. So, I grabbed my skim milk and threw in a few splashes while using a butter knife to move the ice further down into the machine. Ran it again, and then hit pulse. That did the trick. After a few pulses of mixing, it was all done. The whole thing more than fills a 32 ounce cup.

It's not the most delicious thing on the planet. However, for the past three days, I have eaten nothing but pickles, cabbage soup, and water. To me, this thing is a little slice of heaven right now. My youngest guy tried it and thought it was "pwetty yummy".

Next time, I think I will add more honey and yogurt and a little less ice. I may even try it with a scoop or two of peanut butter. Or strawberries. This is one of those recipes you can have a little fun playing with and I look forward to playing with it a lot. It will probably become a staple meal in this weight loss journey of mine.

So, I guess that means it's good, huh?

The down and dirty - it took about ten minutes to make. When I entered all of the ingredients I used into the www.myfitnesspal.com recipe builder, it came out to be 435 calories, 101 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fat, 11 grams of protein, 9 grams of fiber, and 56 grams of sugar. Now, while that might seem like a lot of calories, if you are restricting yourself to a 1200 calorie diet like I am, I can say that the rest of my day will be filled with cabbage soup and pickles. So, like I said before, this is heeeeeaaaaaven to me right now.

Bon appetit.

Wake Up Call

I know I should post this for a Motivation Monday, but since I am starting today, and I have been updating the blog because of the changes I am making, I just realized I started this blog five months ago.

When I started this blog, I weighed in at 337 pounds. Had I averaged a 10 pound per month weight loss (which is more than acceptable and doable for me, IMHO), I would be fifty pounds lighter right now.

Fifty freaking pounds.

287.

And while that is still a large number to so many of you, it would mean so very much to me to weigh 287. It would mean no longer weighing somewhere in the 300's. It would mean having more jeans to wear than the single pair that fits me right now. It would me FIFTY FREAKING POUNDS LESS.

Instead, five months later, I think I gained fifty pounds. Ok, maybe not quite fifty, but my scale can't weigh me anymore, so I have gained more than I thought i had and am most likely at my highest weight ever. Even if I am not sure, exactly, how much that weight is.

So, here's looking to five months ahead and being fifty pounds less. Because, looking back at the past five months, I sure do wish I could have devoted myself more and lost the fifty pounds instead of being where I am right now. And that, right there, is my motivation.

I'm Doing This

Because I am more than a number. And that blasted number is no longer going to control my life, my marriage, my self. But really, here's why:

It's not happening in the dark anymore . . . well, it won't. Some day. . .

New year . . . New Me?

I know I have posted all of these "this is it, I am going to do this and here's how" posts since I started this blog several months ago. I have also posted some pretty mind numbing excuse posts, some petty complaint posts, and generally just not posted at all. And here are the results: I now am at my highest weight ever. I have done nothing to lose weight. not. one. damn. thing.

It's depressing.

It's mortifying.

It's ugly. Very ugly.

It's jiggly and soft.

It's humiliating.

It's close your eyes and get undressed in the dark and pray your husband never sees you naked - ever - let alone want to touch you because you are so gross kind of embarrassing. Even when he tells you that you are beautiful and lovely and the woman he married is who you are inside and that is who he loves - you still close your eyes and get undressed in the dark and pray he never sees you naked - ever - let alone want to touch you because you are so gross kind of embarrassing.

When he does touch you, you pray and hope and plead with any deity who might be listening that he keeps his eyes closed and the room dark and he doesn't feel the fat shifting and jiggling and moving around in so many disgusting ways while you try, very hard, to enjoy what the two of you are sharing in your most intimate moments while at the same time just wanting the whole thing to be over, the end of your humiliation, your embarrassment, your feelings of unattractiveness and the fact that it is all. your. fault.

And, I could curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out, bemoaning my metabolism and my lack of energy and the fact that just thinking about exercising makes my thighs ache.

Or

Or

Or

I could get off of my fat, very lazy ass and do something about it.

It's January 3. For the billionth and first time in my life, I am going to try and lose weight.

I have about 200 pounds to lose (no, that is not a typo). I need motivation. I need support. I have this blog that will probably see some pretty ugly things in the future. If you're interested . . . if you want to witness my mortifyigly embarrassing humiliation as I try, probably in vain, to release the skinny bitch SCREAMING to get out of me, then come back. I will probably have cookies. Most fat girls do.