Links

I have been doing some pretty thorough research for my plans on trying different diets starting Monday. I have also discovered some interesting fitness routines. And enduring the confused looks and questions when I explained to my husband what my plans are. And I got to thinking maybe I should explain further my intentions.

There are probably thousands of diets out there that have been made public in one form or another over the years. All of them promise results. All of them promise you will find the gold at the end of the rainbow. I don't want those odd fad diets where you eat nothing but hot dogs and bananas for a week because, let's face it, those diets don't work long term. They are good for a quick loss of a few pounds of water and lean muscle, but the weight always comes back and it brings friends. Trust me, I know. Been there, done that. More times than I care to admit.

Not only do they not work, but they are TOUGH to stick to. By day three of eating nothing but cabbage soup, my family has submitted my exhaust fumes to be formally recognized in nuclear warfare and all I want is a large steak, rare, with a loaded baked potato piled extra high with bacon. A mere hint of sugar in the air sends me into an epileptic type seizure and, upon recovery, I turn into the Tasmanian Devil, devouring any and every thing that resembles food (and a few things that don't) in my path. It's just a fail/fail situation.

And, since I didn't stick to that "guaranteed" diet plan for the specific number of days, I start to harp on myself. "If only I was stronger" "If I only had an ounce of will power" "If I was a better person, I would be thin". It's this type of emotional war that led me to where I am now. 200 pounds overweight, miserable, unhappy, and I have one, yes one, pair of jeans that fit. And let's not talk about the emotional baggage THAT brings.

I want to stop that cycle. I have enough emotional baggage to deal with, I don't need some stupid fad diet that isn't going to melt 200 pounds away over night bringing me more. So I am looking for actual eating plans with real, satisfying food combined to make at least three meals a day. Because, in the end, that's what my life will be about. Eating healthy food at the right times. Not tofu (gag) on half a cracker with a grass extract shake (barf).

Interestingly, there are LOADS of diet plans out there in the great big land of Interwebz. Many seem legit. Some may even produce results. At this point, I am pretty sure giving up my coca cola addiction and getting off the couch is going to produce a little bit of something, and I would like to help it along by developing a good food eating and exercise habit. And, while I am doing that, I want to try out these different eating plans, just to see if there is something that works for me.

Let's face it, I am lazy. I would not be 200 pounds overweight if I wasn't. I don't want something complex and intricate. I want simple. Fast. Easy. I want ingredients I can find at Wal Mart and Sam's Club. I don't want to have to hunt down specific foods in exotic grocery stores in ghetto neighborhoods just to lose weight. I don't want to have to count points or calories. I am dedicated, but not THAT dedicated. At least, not right now.

I want everything spelled out for me. Pre-measured, pre-figured, listed for me in a basic way that anyone can follow. "You will eat so many ounces of this food, which is made with this recipe". That's what I want. That's what the diets I will follow will be all about. Because, obviously, what I have tried so far hasn't worked.

And I know lots of other people are like me. And some day, when I have lost all 200 of these extra pounds, maybe there might be someone else who is like me, looking to get the weight off, but doesn't have the money for special trainers and dietitians, and has a schedule that involves kids and a husband and dogs and a house to run. Someone who doesn't have the time or inclination to search the world over for that rare ingredient that makes or breaks the recipe that the entire eating plan is based on.

So, that's what I am looking for. Easy, not crazy involved, no exotic ingredients. Something maybe my kids and husband would eat with me (but that's not an absolute criteria). And I have found so many!

Here are a few, in case I end up losing the links I have saved, at least I know I have a back up. Because I want to try each of these at least for a week.

1500 calories per day menu: http://www.freedieting.com/1500_calorie_diet.htm

And then I found this site that has SO MANY diet menus that I want to try, instead of posting each separately, I will just post the link that lists them all: http://www.thinthin.com/Site-Map/1-free-diet-menus.html

Here is a ten day diet menu: http://www.dietbites.com/Easy-Free-Diet-Plan/free-10-day-diet-plan-meal-plan.html

There are more, of course. But, for now, I will start with these.

Oh! And while I was going to keep my fitness at walking and a few sit ups, I found this awesome site and am kind of tempted to try it. http://www.bodyrock.tv/2011/11/25/bodyrocker-alexis-and-her-progress/ I'll let you know what I decide.

My scale can't read

I am extremely sick (again). Sick enough to go to the doctor. Which means actually stepping on a scale.

It was brutal.

It was depressing.

It woke my ass right up.

You know that high number your scale has, the one listed on the box that it only goes up to? I passed that level eleven pounds ago. Which means that what I have thought I weighed wasn't exactly right, because my scale was off, because it wasn't meant to weigh things as heavy as I am.

After I crawled on my knees through that emotional landmine and then curled into a ball and cried myself to sleep, I woke up and realized that all the blogging, all the shit I have been spouting about "I can do this, I will do this" blah blah blah means is crap if I don't actually DO something about it. I can talk all I want, but flapping my jaw doesn't burn many calories and, in my case, usually adds them.

I read an article that said diet is only 30% of weight loss, the other 70% is exercise. Now, since I read this in a fitness magazine, the data may be skewed in the exercise's favor. Or it might not. It makes sense, to work off more than you take in and you can monitor what you take in, but it's actually burning it and more that makes you lose the weight. Who knows?

Well, we will. Because the Monday after Thanksgiving, I am starting an experiment. I am going to find a diet, any diet that seems doable, that has a menu posted online, with a link that readers can access, and I am going to follow that diet to a T. In addition, I will be going to the gym. My goal is 4 miles on the treadmill a day and a minimum of 50 sit ups. Exercise will be the same, but the diets will change monthly or weekly (depending on how long the diets are supposed to last. I am going to try this for six months. And then I am going to amp up the exercise and follow one diet for another six months. It's not exact, but it will give me an idea of which idea is right, better food vs better exercise.

It's a win/win situation for me. At least I hope it will be in that I will be eating healthier and getting exercise and losing weight. And I hope to lose enough that my scale recognizes me again and gives me some true numbers. Because I can't take the depression and fear and ohmygodIamgoingtopukerightnow feeling in the middle of the doctor's office again.

Oh, and if you are wondering, I will be fine. I have a bit of bronchitis and laryngitis. A Z-pack and some cough syrup and orders to sleep and I should be good as new in a few days.

Not a loser

So, it's been two months since my last update. I bet you are expecting a great post gushing about all of the weight I have lost and how healthy I eat and blah, blah, blah. You're in for a great disappointment.

While I haven't actually weighed myself recently, I am pretty sure I succeeded in gaining weight.

Again.

And I haven't been to the gym in so long, I am pretty sure their will be dust on my gym shoes. But, a shopping trip this weekend was just what I needed to give me the kick in the ass I needed to get back into gear. Looking at yourself in a three way mirror as you try on jeans because you have one, yes one, pair left in your closet that still fits, is a nightmare that almost required a trip to a psychiatrist for an anti-depressant prescription and maybe an anti-anxiety pill or two. While that scenario didn't actually happen, I did get a couple of great tops (screw jeans, I can wear yoga pants in public if people can wear pajamas to go grocery shopping in) and then went out with my amazingly supportive husband and proceeded to get drunk. Very drunk.

And in that stage of drunkenness where you think great ideas and find yourself to be the most intelligent person on the planet, I had an epiphany. It's a great one and you will be floored when you learn the secret.

Ready?

Be sure you are ready for the most amazing bit of wisdom ever imparted before you continue reading. It is a change your life kind of knowledge. So be ready.

I am never going to lose weight. At least, as long as I keep drinking Coke by the gallons, eating chips and dipping them in delicious, fatty, cheesy, cheesy dips, and sucking sugar down like it was oxygen in the many varied desserts I create "for the kids" not one pound of fat will be removed from my body. And even if I quit all of those bad eating habits, my jiggly arms and the extra curves in my waist will not go away unless I start working out. You know, like actually go to the gym and break a sweat from more than just bending over to tie my shoes kind of sweat.

So, my drunken epiphany is:

*drum roll*

I need to stop eating shitty food and start exercising. I need to eat more fruits and vegetables (and ketchup doesn't count as a fruit. French fries are NOT vegetables. I know, I know. It was tough for me to hear about, too.) I need to get off my ass and go to the gym and ignore the bouncing Barbie doll and the grunting Hercules and just do my thing to break a sweat and get my heart rate up for longer than it takes to achieve an orgasm (sex is pretty much the only exercise I have been getting lately. While it's fun and so very, very rewarding, it's not really on any physician's recommended health plan for weight loss, I don't think. At least relying SOLELY on sex as exercise isn't recommended.)

I know, I know. You are amazed. Drunk, I am a freaking genius. Things like these great enlightening bits of smart just come to me after the seventh or eighth shot. It's simply amazing I remember it. Thank goodness I let the rest of the bar know what I discovered! (Ok, maybe not the entire bar, but all of our friends at our table certainly got an earful of my amazing drunken intelligence. Let's just say they are still astonished and speechless. I know I am going to hear about it again soon, though. Once they get over my impressive, awe inspiring awesomeness.)

So, yeah, two months later, I am back on the band wagon. No challenges. No threats of having to write disgustingly sweet letters to my irritating and annoying family members that I haven't spoken to in years to keep me "motivated". My motivation is this: I have one pair of jeans that fit me right now. I have TEN pairs of jeans two sizes too small for me. My cheap but oversized ass isn't buying another pair of jeans. Guess I had better work on fitting into those others.

My goal is to try and lose ten pounds by December 1. Fair enough, right? I will try and come back to log how I am doing. But, as you have seen, I am a procrastinator. I rarely stick to anything, no matter how well intentioned (yeah, it's a Kama word) I am in the beginning. But, I promise to try.